Liberty

2009-08-15T03:21:00.000+08:00

WATCHED LADY GAGA LIVE THREE DAYS AGO! :D

as usual, we (mother, bros and i, dad thought gym was a priority over lady gaga lol) were late, thanks to my mother's patients who came in late and insisted that they should be seen :(

but thank God the thing started about 1hr 20mins later! she started the concert with 'paparazzi', with her crazy costumes and dancing. might i add that i was very impressed by her singing? SHE'S SO GOOD LIVE. :D

hahahaha and soooo vulgar, i shall tell you all when we're online or whenever i see you, can't be bothered to list down the whole thing here, lol.

she sang about ten out of twelve songs on her albums, and i was glad that i listened to the whole album before or else i wouldn't know the songs!

the last song was my faaaav. first she did an acoustic version of 'poker face' on her piano (a bubble one -__-) and did it very slowly, singing nonsense like 'sing sing singapore, i love chilli crab' in between. i was slightly disappointed cos i love the normal version of poker face, but suddenly after the whole song being played on piano the 'ma-ma-ma-ma' started and she sang the actual version and started dancing with her dancers :D

no encore, but obviously not! she only has one album out, what other songs can she sing? anyway fort canning was bloooody hot (which she pointed out herself, after a costume change she announced that she just 'took a fucking shower because it's so hot!') and i managed to get a lady gaga shirt :D

the next night was keane, but i didn't go cos i don't really know their songs, though i heard they were fabulous and the lead singer was drenched with sweat. fort canning is such a bad place for concerts -_-

anyway i've decided to stop blogging really stupidly emotional posts for now. i've been depressed and down for the better part of this year, and i have begun to realise that life is just too damn short to always get depressed over the most retarded things. seriously, sometimes i look back on things that brought me down before and i realise how absolutely trivial they were.

and i'm proud to announce here that i'm over that 'problem' that i had. it doesn't matter if the bad people in the world don't apologise. they have the burden of sins on their shoulders, they have to face God. i've got nothing to worry about and my conscience is clear.

i couldn't have done it without a friend i suppose. it doesn't matter if it was a lie or not. because 1) it was done out of a good intention, lie or not
2)she knows this thing almost drove me off the edge and wanted to help me get over it and have closure
3) i've come to realise boys are extremely immature. not stereotyping everyone of them but they are in general. either that, or they're quite stupid when it comes to emotions. or both. so i'd rather them be clueless than think they're righteous when they're wrong.

(shall tell you guys more when i meet you or if you're online)

okay that was the last time that whole issue is ever going to be mentioned here. the point is, now, i leave my fate in God's hands, whatever happens, happens, and whatever i want which doesn't happen wasn't meant to be in the first place. any problem that i have is surely a test, because what is life without tests? just as long as i know that i tried my best in every possible way, it shouldn't matter to me.

lol that whole paragraph sums up my life motto o_o

anyway, today, or rather yesterday (for it is 3am now) was friday, and i usually work on fridays.

for the previous fridays i have to admit i was very lazy. the worst possible dental assistant alive. i didn't do much but stand around, i ate, drank and went to the toilet as and when i wanted, and i always requested to go home early (to take a nap).

however yesterday was different. i actually did work, i learnt a lot more than i did the previous fridays, and i took less breaks. this might not sound like what you expect but dentistry is actually very interesting. i now know what happens during braces cases, root canals, crowning, wisdom teeth extractions (the most bloody ones) , gum lasering etc.

i just hope i gathered enough work experience before i go for any interview :/

i seriously want to get into kings' college london because it's probably the university with the best dental faculty. i don't mind any other universities that i've chosen with my parents too. just as long as i get into the dental faculty!

but if i don't get into that faculty, just as my mother who 'from young knew she wanted medicine' did not get it, like what i said above it's God's will. or perhaps even a blessing in disguise. i don't know, i just try to go down that path, if it's not meant to be there's nothing i can do about it but accept it.

Lastly, today at about 12am i watched the movie 'Up' in 3D. it is REALLY good, very touching, heartwarming and sad. and the best thing about it is that the plot is so unconventional!!!! :D it's something only unconventional writers like neil gaiman can think about, though it wasn't written by neil gaiman. MUST WATCH! my second favourite cartoon movie to 'find nemo'.

okay then, i have to sleep now. gym tomorrow morning. do pray for me, results are in five days' time :/

2009-08-12T01:42:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i've blogged properly.

i've recently bought myself a diary, so i suppose i don't see the need to blog anymore. i don't know if i should abandon this blog ; i always go to my blog on my father's laptop and on the 'popular' websites it's listed, and the last thing i want is for everyone in my family to read my thoughts.

but to be honest the term 'online diary' is in itself a contradiction - why publicise your personal thoughts for the whole world to read?

thus, i resort to the diary now. i don't think i'll abandon this blog, maybe post small updates up. everything else goes into the book.

you know, it just seems that many times people focus on stupid nitty-gritty details that the whole big picture becomes irrelevant and even stupid. but that's not the case at all. i'm not talking about anyone in particular, i'm referring to the things i've seen and observed.

forgive me if i seem like a changed person. i don't really think i am. i'm still perhaps the same at my core,although slightly more bitter, but a bit rougher at the edges.

and i'd like to thank God for giving me the privilege of me studying abroad because it opened up my eyes - a lot.

2009-07-29T17:53:00.000+08:00

Lol, i am sooo amused.

I went to youtube and searched for Khalid Yasin's videos, and got directed to other kinds of videos such as Muslim converts in America and the west, and after watching the videos i looked at the comments, and what'd ya know, stupid blasphemy comments.

Some guy said religion is for retards, and i replied saying he's a sad soul as he has nothing to live for and no purpose in life if he doesn't have a religion.

and in another video some person was saying as a comment how he read the Quran and think it was 'wishful thinking by Muhammad' and that 'what kind of god would want boring submission, when god actually likes freedom, enjoyment and creativity'. and the most amusing part was him stating that 'we ARE god'.

then i replied that saying something along the lines of 'we ARE god? seriously? so we created the universe, earth, mountains and oceans?' and i added something underneath that which i can't really remember.

can't stand disrespectful people like this. it's up to them if they don't want to believe it, but don't hurl unnecessary negative comments at Muslims.

anyway a few things have been making me rather upset lately.

i just don't understand what some people hope to achieve by putting others down deliberately. especially when they think it's funny, when it really isn't. it's sickening. it's repulsive.

so what do they hope to achieve? do they want to make themselves feel better by insulting everyone? are they that insecure?

do they seek pleasure by saying things like that?

or are they just so blissfully ignorant about the fact that they are hurting and offending people?

doesn't it plaque their conscience (if they have one) a tiny bit?

it seriously makes me wonder.

and i'm saying this, despite being oh i don't know, more than 2 decades younger than them.

-_-

anyway i consulted my parents about it, and they said i should assert my rights. answer back in a non-rude way (which they will obviously perceive as rude, just because i stopped them from saying any more hurtful things).

something like, "Why do you have to be so offensive all the time?"

and another thing, i'm sick of all these "oh i'm so rich and i've got a good job and so i can treat everybody like crap" kinds of people.

it's bloody vomit-inducing. i'm not very religious but i know well enough that NOTHING i have is mine, it's all from God. So why the arrogance? and why the double standards?

just because i'm not your daughter doesn't mean you can treat me like shit. i bet if one of my parents said something similar to the one that YOU love, you'd OBVIOUSLY have a go at them.

but of course, i don't belong to his perfect family, and so i'm of a low standard, and therefore it gives him the right to treat me that way.

i swear to God. the nerve of some people.

and yes, once again, i'm about 2 decades younger than this person.

i'm beginning to think age is nothing more than a number.

and all of these things made me realise something - i think i'm a pushover. i've been told before. i'm spineless and i don't know how to stand up for myself.

well not anymore. i'm done taking the shit people (like the ones i mentioned above) throw at my face and licking it. it's time to throw it back.

i'm not saying i'm going to be a bad person, or that i'm going to be rude to everyone. i won't.

but at the same time i won't let anyone say or do whatever they want to hurt me, and not retort back. it's going to take some practice but i've made my decision - i'm going to be assertive for my rights from now on to ANYONE.

because it's a sad fact of the world - show people that you're too nice, and they step all over you. i've had enough and the people i mentioned above have confirmed it for me.

2009-07-26T13:25:00.000+08:00

i've been listening to a couple of religious lectures lately, done by a man known as Khalid Yasin. i think he's a reaaallllyyyy good speaker, not preachy but educating.

if anybody wants i can lend you the dvds.

i don't know, i guess it just struck me that my religious knowledge is very shallow, and it's certainly not something i'm proud of. i think i have even forgotten most of the prophet stories.

And i feel so torn apart. That's the best way to describe it. one minute you're watching these lectures in awe - listening to the Imam speak of the truth and give you solutions to go there, and then the next you're faced with reality and you realise it's not easy at all. i mean i obviously want to become a better Muslim but i just don't feel like i have the strength to sacrifice it all just yet.

but i'm slowly learning, i suppose. anyway a few things which i've learnt from the lectures -

1) everywhere you go, whatever you do, have fear of God. Be God-conscious. that way it will prevent you from doing bad deeds.

2) but it's not the end if you do a bad deed, you can sort of compensate for it with a good deed, and that way it will be wiped out.

3) One very good thing about Islam is that everything in it has to be done in moderation. Excessive things - money, clothes, food etc is bad for you, and therefore the best way is in moderation.

... haha okay that's all i can remember for now. shall watch more and then maybe write it here.

this sounds random but i am so not looking forward to going back to london. i just realised to make the least mistakes as possible when it comes to bitchy people in the school, or to just avoid it all, is to keep quiet. Be subdued. and that is really not what i am but i don't want anything to distract me or hurt me as it has this year. by being really introverted and keeping to myself, i think that it will be the safest way. i'm just not too thrilled at the prospect of doing that.

2009-07-15T00:28:00.001+08:00

You know.

For once in my life, i actually can't find something big to look forward to.

2009-06-16T17:29:00.000+08:00

GUYS PLEASE COME ON MSN IF YOU CAN I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

i'll also try because my parents and brother are in london and we go out most of the time.

but my feelings have been too.. intense to contain these past few days. i think only you guys will understand ):

2009-06-11T05:57:00.001+08:00

This is something which has just been lingering at the back of my mind for a while.

Things i want in a guy :

(in no particular order of importance, except of course the first one)

1) Practicing Muslim
2) Loves and cares for me unconditionally
3) Accepts me the way i am
4) More intelligent than me
5) Taller (lol)
6) Sweet
7) Sincere
8) Understanding
9) Sensitive to my feelings
10) Is not a jerk
*11) Emotional
12) Able to listen to me when i'm down
*13) Not apathetic
14) Texts/ Calls me first
15) Respects me

Of course I'm not the kind who eliminates guys from my life just because they don't fulfill those criteria. If i want them to be accepting, it has to be a quality on both parties. Anyway there's no criteria in love. I believe it transcends everything. If you really love someone, you'd do anything to make it work with them.

It's just that after one heartbreak over a matter that most would consider trivial, i wouldn't want to risk another one, knowing my own fragile nature.

So before stepping into something or taking a huge risk next time (and this applies to everything in my life), i'd like to make damn sure what i'm getting myself into.

This reminds me of what praj told me on msn recently, when we were talking about kutu. She said something along the lines of 'You don't know how to handle situations like this because you have always been so sheltered'. (Yes, she's that brash, and yes, i'm used to it, so i don't get hurt anymore -_-)

But maybe... There's some truth in her words. Because i realise that when i get hurt i make sure nothing else can hurt me the same way again, like i'm building a sort of protective barrier around me.

But is that just being an escapist from all the things life can bring you, or is that just in my nature? How is it that people can go through the most excruciating heartbreaks and still recover eventually, when for me, it's taking ages? (And in this matter i credit praj, no matter how much i've dissed her before. She lost someone she loved a lot in a car accident, and she was dating him for a year, and she doesn't even cry about it.)

Y'know sometimes i don't even know if i should just be strong and have the 'come what may' attitude, instead of cowering and hiding in my shell. I guess this is just my natural defence against whatever will affect me, like my immunity system to viruses.

Sometimes i find i'm actually scared of getting my feelings hurt. Maybe because i know how it will affect me. And again, the natural defense of hiding.

But having said all that, there seems to be some logic in the way i'm reacting. When i said love transcends everything, i mean real, pure, deep love. Not some stupid three-day infatuation you might mistake for love when it isn't (though at the time, it surely felt like it.)

And also when i say 'love', i'm not like some people who go around dating guys like they change their underwear (read: praj). I mean love love, when you really give your heart to someone. But even then when some people have claimed to have given their heart to someone and they date for a long time and eventually break up, the people will be heartbroken but still eventually move on. :\

So maybe the concept i'm not getting is getting up again after being struck down.

And sometimes i wonder if i left so much as a mark on that vile creature's life. I highly doubt it, seeing as i'm more of riddance to him than loss. And i've accepted the fact that he thinks i don't exist... Though technically speaking that would be impossible because if i didn't exist he wouldn't remember me and if he wouldn't remember me he wouldn't remember what happened between us and if he doesn't remember what happened between us then he wouldn't be ignoring me now (ok cue for me to stop delving into stupid details right -_-)

Anyway, for these reasons:

1) I want to keep my feelings 'protected' from hurt
2) I want to concentrate on my studies and have no distractions
3) I am (possibly) still nursing a broken heart

I am going to stay out of love and the like for a while.

2009-06-11T01:53:00.003+08:00

So.

Exams were over last friday. I feel like kicking myself in the ass for not learning from my Olevel mistakes, i.e, last-minute revision. Alevels is seriously not Olevels and i should realise that last-minute revision won't work D:

Not to mention how i felt nauseous almost everyday thanks to Red Bull, which many times ceased to keep me awake -_-

And i've also given up on trying to beat him ; it just shows i'm not over him when i am. And i don't care how many people are telling me i'm not over him because it doesn't matter if i am or not, i'll physch myself into it :)

So, as disappointed as i am with myself right now, i've learnt from my mistakes and hopefully i will study consistently next year and not make the same mistake yet again. I can't anyway, next year is the crucial year for getting into uni. (btw i just realised that if i get into uni i will only be 17 :O)

Heh.

What's very off-putting for next year is the fact that he's going to be there as well. Thank God all his iranian friends are going to be out of my school cos they're all in the higher level. Phew.

I just hope nicer people come to my college next year; From what my friend mohani and i have noticed, NOBODY is nice. The both of us can't wait to get the next year over and done with, lol.

I kinda hate the fact that my exams ended early. Firstly there's nothing much to do, and thanks to RETARDED tube strikes i can't go out with mo and praj ): will be going out this friday though, to some area called bromley.

And latest news is that i got my phone bill yesterday - a ridiculous £292.99 :) Mother was flippin' mad. Went to the phone shop today to sort it out and apparently i overshot my call minutes by about over 600 minutes and overshot my text messages by over 500. Pandai, i didn't even know my plan -_-

Another piece of good news is that my parents and younger brother are coming to london this sunday. YAYYYYY :D i feel like a boat that has found shore when i'm with the people who matter to me. Like all alone in london i'm drifting aimlessly but when there's someone you know close to you nearby you have someone else to rely on, give you support, care for you.... Which is why, lately, i've been thinking about how lonely i'll be if i have to stay in an apartment on my own when i go to uni. I don't like being alone, i need company. ): I'll go like, insane or something being alone.

And this is random but i plan to lose 15 kg by uni. -_- it's possible but difficulltttt. i <3 my chocolate D:

Oh well.

Anyway. I'M COMING BACK NEXT MONTH WOOOO AND I'LL BE STAYING TILL LIKE AUGUST COS MY NEXT YEAR STARTS IN SEPTEMBER! <3 SEE YOU ALL SOOOOON :D

2009-05-03T06:06:00.000+08:00

MY AS EXAMS START IN SLIGHTLY MORE THAN TWO WEEKS' TIME.

I have to do exceedingly well for a few reasons:

1)I feel indebted to my parents.
2)I want to get into dentistry.
3)I want revenge. On him.

Time to shitmug. :) You're going doooown, you stupid big-headed evil mofo.

2009-04-30T04:57:00.000+08:00

Tired of listening to cheesy love songs.

Over angsty songs.

Sick of sulking, though i like wearing black almost everyday...

Hate the phobia of eye contact at school.

Abhor the fact that i didn't do anything wrong and still feel this way.

-_-

tell me, what is it about the idiot that makes me love him? Yes, it must be that awful feeling-love.

If it wasn't i wouldn't be thinking about him 24/7, avoiding him but also staring at him whenever i see him...

I wouldn't be so hurt.

After all the shit he's put me through, how the hell can i still feel this way?

2009-04-28T16:28:00.001+08:00

sooooo. :)

i bunked school today. HEHE. (i don't know if that word is a proper word in the dictionary but the british kids use it to mean play truant) The best part is the reception person who answered my call believed i was ill!

i did not bunk for fun though, i really have to get my biology coursework done! I have only biology lessons from 9am-12.15pm today but i can cover those topics myself these weekends and besides, i still have three weeks more with my teacher before the exam so...yeah.

ahhhh. my exams are in may. for some stupid reason, i don't feel the pressure yet. only very subtlely.

speaking of exams though, i got back some results from my mock exams. maths was okay but chem was... uh o_O lol. 60% :S not horrible but certainly far from fantastic. but i'm not feeling that worried about it, considering i didn't revise properly at all.

and speaking of exams, can i just mention that, no offense, the students in my school are fucking pathetic? -_-

EVERYONE, and believe me when i say this, EVERYONE cheated.Or at least 98%. Except maybe me.(not trying to be self-righteous or something but you get the picture)

Though the mock exams were carried out in what was supposed to be 'exam conditions', all the students still had their bags in the room. Some people had cards in their hands, some whispered answers to each other during the exams (-_-),and some had formulas which they put in their transparent pencil cases facing them, some people were very obviously looking at each others' papers (lol one guy who sat between me and kutu who did that more that three times to both of us got told off and kicked out of the exam xD) ,and the rest guessed which past year paper was going to be tested and went to print off the answer scheme from the internet and studied from that. -_-

excuse me, no integrity please? I mean really, what's the point of getting good grades when you know it wasn't your effort, just your slyness that got you there?

And the worst part is, my friend mohani told me, the teachers know that the students are cheating, but don't want to do anything about it because apparently it's 'just a mock exam'. Um, what did they say about it being under 'exam conditions' again? -_-

And regarding something else... Well, about P. i'm feeling quite guilty now cos i can tell she trusts me but i'm just betraying her trust. like i said before, i don't do these things intentionally. I'm far from a perfect person, but i do try to be a good person to everyone. However when they do things to me that show how horrible they are (and many times not even aware about it) , i just don't know what to do. Because i don't think i deserve to be treated this way, like a broom.

I know friendship is all about accepting flaws, etc but it's.... more difficult with her. I don't really believe in herd mentality but many people don't like her, including M.And i find i can relate to M more than her anyway; with M it's easy to talk to, laugh with, share my problems with, and vice versa. I just can't do that with P.

Hmmm these things really get to me.

And i'm still recovering from heartbreak but i think... i sort of have the hots for someone now. Not that i'm going to do anything about it ; i don't want to be hurt that way again =)

thanks to R i don't trust boys at this age. i'm not generalising but from what i've realised, many of them are immature, insensitive, apathetic, and far from what you would consider a gentleman.

But then again that's maybe the boys in my school, not the whole world :) anyway my new motto in love is 'never fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you'. i got that from some random facebook bumper sticker i think.

well, it's off to HIV and treatments for it now! Good day to you all :)

halfway across the world, again

2009-04-27T02:56:00.000+08:00

changed blogskin :3 i love it, except the small font.

things have been more or less okay lately. the mocks was okay albeit me not studying, as i knew some stuff already from previous tests.now i just hope my parents don't freak out if i get a C or D or even worse - fail ):

i've been doing the same things - being sad about ******, doing homework, and currently working on my biology coursework.

i'm now ignoring him completely, which is easier though it makes the tension i feel much worse. i just don't understand why i'm still bothered by it, it's been two months already. i guess it just hurts whenever i lose someone. and this is a completely irrational way to lose someone, when i don't even know what's going on. to be honest this is the main reason i was reluctant to come back.

i just get very frustrated indeed when things have no closure. it happened before and it took a very long time to get over. it's happening again under different circumstances and i just don't know myself well enough to know how long this is going to take. i just hope and pray it doesn't affect me for the huge exams i am about to take - which are the ones i'm using to apply for dentistry. :/

people can be so heartless sometimes. thankfully there are still good people i can hold on to and rely on out there. if not... i'll just go insane.

also, i feel like i'm betraying a friend again. but i hope God and everyone else understands why. i don't do things to hurt people intentionally.

oh well. this is life. -_-

baaaacckk to aids and hiv and ways to solve em :)

2009-04-17T16:53:00.001+08:00

I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GO. BACK. TO. LONDON.

):

I DON'T WANT EXAMS
I DON'T WANT TO FACE MY RETARDED PROBLEMS AGAIN
I DON'T WANT TO BE GONE FOR ANOTHER THREE MONTHS

I LOVE SINGAPOREEEEE

D':

i'm actually sure things would be better if the people were less. awful. ):

oh well. nothing i can do now. see ya'll at the airport and to those who can't make it, see ya'll in three months ;_;

The Fear

2009-04-09T14:29:00.000+08:00

i'm back in singapore :)

quite old news, it was from sunday, lol.

i realise now how much i miss this place and the people here. sure, i've never been patriotic and i didn't particularly like this country, but faced with the shit in london and the very different environment (often in a bad way), i realise how much i *gulps* love this country. Yes, that wasn't easy to say. All the time i've been fussing about the heat, the extremely competitive environment particularly in terms of academics , how the people in this country are sometimes so unfriendly...

But nothing beats home. Where else can i find halal food 24/7 ; text friends who reply and actually help me with my problems instead of fill me in with their life stories and bore me to death ;be with my family; go out of the house in short-sleeved clothes (there in london i cover up for two reasons -it's cold, and i stay in an Imam's house so i have to dress decently. I don't think short-sleeved shirts are indecent, but you get my drift).

And for the past few days i've been thinking about what someone told me in london.

I think it was last tuesday. I was having lunch with my friend praj and this reallyyyy nice pakistani-french guy called faisal. We bought some halal food and ate in the park, where we sat on the grass. (The british people are practically over the moon when the sun comes out. But i'm like -__- cos i went to london to escape the heat of singapore, lol. So whenever the sun comes out, people sit on the grass in the park.)

Anyway, the three of us were eating, when suddenly faisal said:

"You know sometimes, when i look at victoria (station) , i still can't believe i'm in london. Sometimes i wonder why i left france, when life was perfect."

Then i replied telling him that i felt exactly the same way. (Apparently he left france for two reasons - education and '40% because of a girl' LOL.)

Lots of things have made me ask myself if going to london was a mistake in the first place.

Firstly, let's talk logically and push emotions aside for a while. The main reason i came to london was for education. Apparently, it's easier than singapore's education.

But then i realised, singapore's education actually saved my life. I'm not boasting but i think i'm one of the better students, as compared to say, the British students. Not because of how 'bright' i am, but because of singapore's education. It's how advanced the education was that helps me now. I find that i know many things because i've done them before. I took the 'O' Levels, while the British students took GCSE (General Certificate of Secondary Education), and apparently the O's are much more difficult.

And i also like how the teachers in secondary school practically drilled information into your head. That helps me a lot now.

Sure, the competitiveness in this country is good enough to drive you nuts, but i think i have realised one thing about life in general - adverse conditions make you a better person. What doesn't kill, makes you stronger. And it applies for everything, if not most things, education included.

The second reason is stupid but inevitable - emotions. It mainly revolves around that idiot, and also the unfriendly people in my school, and how a close friend turns out to be someone i don't really like. It's stupid and it's not supposed to matter.But it does. I constantly hear my parents telling me that they sent me there for education and not for the 'people'. But it affects me a lot. And i bet if you were there it will affect you too.

I don't know what you guys think of me now, whether i've changed for the better or worse, but i'm sure of one thing - I'm very much more subdued.

I mean, i obviously can't laugh the way i do in london, people will look at me weirdly (and praj'll be like "*wtf-ed look* GROW UP!"). But my college is tiny, and i'm not being a high-class princess or something but i hate tiny places. I'm claustrophobic. Tiny places - particularly a college - means a large group of people in the same space. i can't take that. I need my own space.

Which is why i find myself always hanging out in the reception area, where, most of the time it's quiet and calm. I don't socialise. So that means it's as though i'm hiding in my own shell, refusing to come out.

That means i can't blame the people there, i don't really talk much to them, but when i get to know them i do say 'hi' and 'bye'. And the acquaintance ends there.

I don't really care about socialising, i just wish i had a close friend whom i can rely on. I do, but i have another problem - praj'll think she's 'stealing' me away from her. And i know i'm a hypocrite by announcing this on my blog : I don't really like her. She's nice sometimes but she can be really mean and conceited. And i am not a saint, nor am i completely not guilty of this, but i just don't do conceited. Friendship, to me, is a two-way thing. You tell me your stories, i tell you mine. You tell me your problems and i help you, and vice versa.We're helping each other. My friendship with her isn't like that - it's all one-sided.

The other aspect of my emotions is of course, leaving my family and friends behind in singapore. People whom i know for sure love me and accept me the way i am. People i don't feel awkward with. People i care about. People who give me support.

The third and perhaps the most important reason why i sort of regret going to London is because of religious reasons. Sure, i try to pray five times a day, i fast, etc, but i'm really far from being a truly religious person. However that doesn't mean i like to go astray. These 'muslims' in london, they scare me, to be honest. They do everything God said not to. And one of the best examples is kutu.

There's so many unislamic things happening in london. I can safely say i feel my faith eroding, a thousand doubts about God which i'm not supposed to think in my head. It's my responsibility to be a practicing Muslim, and i still try my best, but i'm getting... weaker. If you know what i mean.

This is why i'm glad i wasn't born in London. I don't blame the Muslims there,actually. Faced with that kind of wild people, you can't help but get influenced. Sure, people in london have a fancy accent, and the weather there is loads better than singapore, but the most important thing to me is religion. Which is why i'm happy to be born here. At least most, if not many, muslims in singapore are practising.

So, with all these thoughts, feelings, doubts and insecurities that i have about London, i do many times wonder if it was the right thing to do going there for education.

But as much as it sucks now, it's fate. And you can't do anything about what God fated you to have.

That, however, is the only reasoning i contend myself with.

one month to what never happened

2009-03-23T00:23:00.001+08:00

Exactly one month ago, i was happy.

Exactly one month ago tomorrow (the exact same date but one month further and even the exact same DAY), i would have gotten something which i thought could rely on. Someone.

And in exactly two days' time, it would also be exactly a month after one of the worst days of my life.

I don't even know why i'm still hurting. Time is the best healer - no doubt. But how long will it take?

Yes, i've healed. Somewhat. I feel like a deep hole in my chest has been covered by a thin layer of whatever's supposed to be covering it. But underneath that layer, the empty void still remains. A hollow.

This is the usual advice i get from people : Keep yourself busy with something else to forget your hurt. Which i do, and occasionally works.

But the times when i'm alone is torture. When i'm lying down on my bed at night before i go to sleep, when i think and reflect about my life and the things that have happened and the things that have changed, it hurts. There's nothing you can do about that now, can you?

And it sucks to relapse. God, i was so happy to rid myself of awful emotions two weeks ago, to sincerely not give a damn.

But certain things happened and some idiots misunderstood some things, and now i'm back to square one.

I don't even know why this has left such a great impact on me. I wouldn't even consider what we had a relationship; it was a stupid crush we had on each other but thought it was more.

But i guess it was because of what it implied. It was the first time my feelings for someone were requited. It made me feel special.

But just as quickly as it happened, he decided it wasn't right and just threw me away.

And i know he was probably right - it isn't a good idea to get together now. Not this age, i'm too young.

But once again i'm reminded of it all when i see people around me - practically almost everyone i know - getting attached.

Then again, on hindsight, maybe this was fated for me by God. He obviously isn't the one for me, and vice versa.

It still hurts, nevertheless. But don't worry about me, i'll get better. Only 13 days more to go :)

How to get over people who aren't worth it.

2009-03-17T04:57:00.000+08:00

After much thought and consideration, i think i've come up with a way to forget people who aren't worth it.

Not to say i'm completely over him, but i'm getting there. Slowly, but surely. Definitely. :)

Step 1: Love them deeply, completely. Ignore all OBVIOUS flaws and accept them for what they are, because after all, that's what love is about.

Step 2 : Get hurt, crushed, destroyed by them. Get your life ruined for a while.

Step 3: Be emo. You deserve it. After all, YOU've been the one that's been wronged. YOU meant what you said. YOU gave a damn.

Step 4: But then realise -What's the point of being emo? What's the point of wasting your life feeling bad about people who clearly don't give a flying fish about what happened?

Step 5: Start talking to that person while feeling hurt. Mend fences while still having grudges.That will not make things better, but will make things bearable.

Step 6: When you realise how much of a complete asshole that person is, you'll feel better that he/she is out of your life.

And i don't care how insensitive i am now, has HE ever cared how i felt when he did what he did?

Immature,apathetic, loser, low-EQ, selfish, unfeeling, bitch.

By the way my friend praj let me hear the song one day, i'm addicted to it now -_-

The Deep End - Scary Kids Scaring Kids

A few reasons why i wish i was in CTC.

2009-03-16T05:27:00.000+08:00

1) My brother is in that college.

2) The college's fees are cheaper than mine.

3) The people there are nicer and warmer.

4) I would feel like i fit in with the Asians,particularly Singaporeans and Malaysians, instead of being awkward around British people in Abbey.

5)I wouldn't have met hair. And then have him throw me away like some used sanitary napkin.

6)I wouldn't feel the way i feel now because of something that happened recently. I feel really bad towards this friend of mine but i just can't help what i feel because it has something to do with hair.

7)The college is bigger, nicer.

8) I wouldn't feel as though i think i'm over someone, but i'm actually really not.

I wouldn't be broken like i am now. It has been three weeks since that horrible episode. And start of this week i felt nothing. I didn't care about anything anymore, only things that mattered. I felt happy to rid myself of all that horrible excess emotions.

And then on Thursday i found something out. I feel terrible. I should be happy for my friend but i am somehow crushed. I can't quite identify the reason why - i think it's because i'm still hurt. Her good news reminded me of things which i didn't want to be reminded off.And that dickhead can't even begin to know the severity of what he did.

And with all this confusion, i attended a party in CTC last friday. And i realised how very different it was from abbey college. i mean my main priority here is to do well but i'm in so much pain now. how can i not get distracted?

eurgh. life was so much easier when i was in a girls' school and the only people whom i had a 'crush' on were girls. lol. it's very, very much easier than being placed in the real world with real boys and then having real problems...

and i miss you all tremendously. but don't worry, only 19 more days. :)

:O

2009-03-01T17:50:00.000+08:00

irahhhhhh! says:
ohmygosh my mum got slapped by a freaking horse can

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHAHA OMG HOW???

irahhhhhh! says:
coz she stood next to the butt, nak amek gambar

irahhhhhh! says:
THEN THE HORSE ANGRY

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
SLAPPED HER WITH ITS TAIL

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH

Atifaz has been added to the conversation.

nade says:
HALLO HALLO HALLO

irahhhhhh! says:
TIPSY!

irahhhhhh! says:
HALLO!

nade says:
wait bibs, she ngah smayang

nade says:
HAHAHAH WHOT?

Atifaz says:
nyebehehehe hello!

Atifaz says:
haha

nade says:
OMG THE HORSE TAK BAIK

Atifaz says:
ok brb

nade says:
haha bibah was telling me how the horse slapped her mum

nade says:
HAHAHAHHA

nade says:
omg i'd be traumatised but mostly amused if i were her

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
we all laughed like crazy after that

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
esp me and my dad

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHHHHH

irahhhhhh! says:
SHLD HAVE CAUGHT THAT ON CAM

irahhhhhh! says:
DANG

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
PRICELESS!

nade says:
HAHAHAHHAHHA I CAN JUST IMAGINE

nade says:
i would literally rofl and then nangis

nade says:
since i've done that enough times with aishah -__

nade says:
-_-

nade says:
minus the rofl of course LOL

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

nade says:
where was that? msia?

irahhhhhh! says:
padang

irahhhhhh! says:
indon

irahhhhhh! says:
ahaha

nade says:
ohhh indon i see

irahhhhhh! says:
they have horse carts there!

irahhhhhh! says:
ahaha

nade says:
mak cow i'm supposed to be researching abt medicinal plants t_T

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
i'm supposed to be researching on teen concerns/problems, sub-topic: relationship with family

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahahahhaa

nade says:
ah you can use mine as an example

nade says:
teen problems

nade says:
HAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
but relationship with family

irahhhhhh! says:
somebody else is researching BGR

nade says:
about a jerk who dumped her and then deleted her from facebook

irahhhhhh! says:
wat a qn. "why are these very pressing concerns to many youths?"

irahhhhhh! says:
ahhaah jerk!!

irahhhhhh! says:
ucker!

irahhhhhh! says:
mucker!

nade says:
mucker LOL shortcut of mother and effer

nade says:
LOL

Atifaz says:
baaaaaaaaack

Atifaz says:
who is this Horse? O.o

nade says:
yayieee!

nade says:
HAHAHAH

nade says:
tak we were talking about bitchslapping cos bibah wants to bitchslap rambod

Atifaz says:
and cool bibah got research! so cool hahhaha i'm so jakon about academics since i've been away from it for dunno how long

nade says:
then suddenly we got to the topic of other types of slaps

irahhhhhh! says:
which Horse!

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHA YAY BIBAH YOU GOT FRIEND

irahhhhhh! says:
my Horse or the kuda horse?

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahaha

Atifaz says:
I ALSO WANT TO BITCHSLAP RAMBOD

Atifaz says:
you me and aishah all three bitchslap rambod jom

nade says:
LOL FOUR PEOPLE ALREADY.

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHHA NADIAH ALSO!

irahhhhhh! says:
YAY!

nade says:
and my brother HAHAHHAHAH he was like super pissed when he heard la

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahahhaha yepp 4

irahhhhhh! says:
ahhahahahaha

nade says:
he was like 'i fel like beating him up'

Atifaz says:
hahahhaha aw your brother so sweet xD

Atifaz says:
haha

irahhhhhh! says:
ahhahaha

irahhhhhh! says:
i wish my bro was like that

Atifaz says:
anyway yeah is horse an alias for someone or sth O.o

nade says:
and why the fuck did he delete me from facebook? i don't get it

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

nade says:
LOL HORSE

irahhhhhh! says:
my Horse, yes

Atifaz says:
OHHHHHH

irahhhhhh! says:
but the horse we were talking abt isn't

nade says:
okay horse horse. his alias. better than hair ANYTIME

irahhhhhh! says:
ahahahha

Atifaz says:
hehe

irahhhhhh! says:
huh?

Atifaz says:
OH OH so you're talking abt a real horse

irahhhhhh! says:
my Horse is a snr in my sch ahhahah

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAH YES

irahhhhhh! says:
REAL HORSE

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHAHAH YOU GUYS MCM CONFUSED ABOUT HORSE

nade says:
CUTE

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

nade says:
i'm going to message him now before telling him my name

irahhhhhh! says:
YES

nade says:
*and NOT tell him my name

irahhhhhh! says:
DON'T TELL

nade says:
see if he deleted my number as well

nade says:
what kind of thing is that

irahhhhhh! says:
wat thing?

nade says:
first he's like 'forgive me' and the next moment he deletes me from facebook. ?????

irahhhhhh! says:
hahaha he sucker wat

irahhhhhh! says:
sucky f up mucker

irahhhhhh! says:
ahahahha

Atifaz says:
HAHHAH OK SO CUTE THE HORSEEE OMG IF I WERE THERE I WOULD HUG IT

irahhhhhh! says:
yay all the ucks are out!

irahhhhhh! says:
except duck

irahhhhhh! says:
and buck

irahhhhhh! says:

Atifaz says:
anw yeah what is his problem???

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
effing coward

irahhhhhh! says:
THE HORSE

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHA

Atifaz says:
>:C

Atifaz says:
heheh bibah xD

irahhhhhh! says:
my Horse pon cute

Atifaz says:
what are u gonna msg him nuhdiah? =D

irahhhhhh! says:
chey my seh HAHA

Atifaz says:
HAHA i love calling you that

Atifaz says:
nuhdiah

Atifaz says:
HAHHAHAHA YOUR HORSE

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
NUHDIAH

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
NUHdiah

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:
xDDD cos her host family nye kids pronounce her name gitu

irahhhhhh! says:
haha not my Horse la

irahhhhhh! says:
not mine

Atifaz says:
so kiut

irahhhhhh! says:
ew

irahhhhhh! says:
ahahhaha
Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHHA REALLY?? HAHAHAHAHHAHA

nade says:
the kids in my host family just pissed me off esp ilyas. he borrowed my phone and went to sms ppl anyhow and it's the singapore phone and it's really expensive

nade says:
i just scolded him

nade says:
omg ppl are just pissing me off seh

irahhhhhh! says:
ahah

irahhhhhh! says:
ilyas?

irahhhhhh! says:
namer cute

Atifaz says:
=O. so naughty!!!!!!!!!!

nade says:
haha nuhdiah yeah xD

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahahah

Atifaz says:
tak bake dia >:C

irahhhhhh! says:
he sms who seh!

irahhhhhh! says:
wth!

Atifaz says:
did he cry when you scolded him HAHA

nade says:
yeah wait until i tell him mum

nade says:
HAHAH HE MSG ATIQAH HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HHAHAAH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHA

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA OMFG

irahhhhhh! says:
wat did he sms!

Atifaz says:
i bet atiqah will be like.

nade says:
and my college?-_-?

irahhhhhh! says:
HUHHHH

nade says:
cos college kan 'abbey' so it's the A section

irahhhhhh! says:
WAAAT

nade says:
and atiqah as well

nade says:
like what.

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHHA

nade says:
HAHAH atiwah was like 'who're you? :3'

nade says:
HAHAHAH

nade says:
*atiqah

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHA

nade says:
atiwah wtf -_-

irahhhhhh! says:
atiWAH!

nade says:
can use for tips also xD

Atifaz says:
HHAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HASHAHHAHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
atiWAH sounds like some kind of amusement ride O.o

nade says:
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAA YEAHHHH

nade says:
rollercoaster

nade says:
jsshshhshshshshhshshshhshshshshshshs

Atifaz says:

Atifaz says:
okay, actually sounds wrong

Atifaz says:

nade says:
YEAH HAHAHA

nade says:
that's what i thought

nade says:
then i thought abt the p word

nade says:
:3

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
p?

irahhhhhh! says:
wat p word?

nade says:
haha guess bibah :3

irahhhhhh! says:
pu..?

irahhhhhh! says:
pub..?

nade says:
tawk.

irahhhhhh! says:
huh

irahhhhhh! says:
pros..?

nade says:
play hangman

irahhhhhh! says:
huhhhh

nade says:
_ _ _ _ _

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHHAAH

nade says:
first letter p

irahhhhhh! says:
hangman

irahhhhhh! says:
puk..?

nade says:
TAK

nade says:
HAHAH

Atifaz says:
HAHHAH close xD

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
poker?

nade says:
HAHAHAHA CLOSE HAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
hokey pokey?

irahhhhhh! says:
HUHHH

irahhhhhh! says:
poo..?

Atifaz says:
close to "puk..?"

irahhhhhh! says:
...ie?

Atifaz says:
it's the word you didn't know until i told you bibah

nade says:
no 'u's in the word

irahhhhhh! says:
pe..?

nade says:
HAHAH REALLY? HAHA BIBAH CUTE INNOCENT HAHA

Atifaz says:
the word that has a synonym that starts with n and ends with k

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
pepe jeans!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
I RMB!

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
TORRES KAN?

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAHHA BIBAH CUTE LAH

Atifaz says:
HHAHHAHAHHA YEAH

nade says:
torres ade pepek? o_O

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
HAHHAH NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA NADIAH@

irahhhhhh! says:
*!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
fHAHHAHAHAHHHHAHH

Atifaz says:
AKU CLAP KEPALA KAU BARU TAU NADIAH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAH

nade says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA IMMA MAKE YOU CRYYYYY =D

irahhhhhh! says:
GO

irahhhhhh! says:
CLAP

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
OH YA NAD!

irahhhhhh! says:
GOOD IDEA!

nade says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA YAYYY

irahhhhhh! says:
GO CLAP HIS HEAD!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHHAHAH WHOOOT?

Atifaz says:
NOOO CLAPPING HEADS IS ONLY FOR CUTE PEOPLE!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
BUT NOT IN THE "U'RE SO CUTE" SENSE LA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAH

nade says:
YAAAA. what tips said xD

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
LIKE REALLY REALLY GERAM KIND

irahhhhhh! says:
LIKE HOW U'D CLAP A STUFFED ANIMAL

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
ok fine stuffed animals are cute

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAH

nade says:
HAHAHA

nade says:
tu ah

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahaahhahahah

nade says:
i'm typing the message out now..

nade says:
i can't believe he's doing this to me

irahhhhhh! says:
CLAP HIM LIKE U WANT TO BURST A BALLOON!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:
HAHAHAHAHH

irahhhhhh! says:
LIKE EEE EEE EEE EEE EEE EEEEEEE GERAMNYE!

irahhhhhh! says:
HHAHAHAHAHAH

nade says:
LOL i'm not touching him, i'm pissed at him.

nade says:
hopefully talking things out will solve things

nade says:
i mean i've had enough of screaming

nade says:
yeah

Atifaz says:
hahahhh.

Atifaz says:
yeah you should confront him

Atifaz says:
i bet he'll be shocked or sth -.-

Atifaz says:
what a prick

Atifaz says:
boo

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
NAHHH NAH NAH NAH CAN'T TOUCH THIS@

irahhhhhh! says:
*!

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahahaha

irahhhhhh! says:
don't scream

nade says:
HAHAHAH WHAT?

nade says:
LOL

irahhhhhh! says:
maintain

irahhhhhh! says:
hahaha

nade says:
no i'm not i'm very maintain hahaha

Atifaz says:
HAHAHAHAH

Atifaz says:
SO RANDOM LAH BIBAH NYAYI LAGU TU -.-

irahhhhhh! says:
sorry i'm a bit high

irahhhhhh! says:
must be all the caffeine from all the tea!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHA

Atifaz says:
hehehehe i just had tea too xD

nade says:
I HAD ONE CUP OF COFFAYYY.

irahhhhhh! says:
i had tea THE WHOLE DAY!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
COFFAYYY

nade says:
yay we all drunk on tea/coffee

irahhhhhh! says:
NICE!

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahahhahahahha

nade says:
yeah you know atifa he was such an annoying coward

Atifaz says:
anw, nade, don't scream, don't clap his head, but confront him scarily calmly :3

nade says:
in sch

nade says:
HAHAHHA

nade says:
yup yup yup

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA scarily calmly

nade says:
but i have to sms him first

irahhhhhh! says:
WAS???

Atifaz says:
hehe okay

irahhhhhh! says:
WAS!!!!!???

Atifaz says:
yeah what happened in sch what happened in sch?

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAH BIBAH SO CUTE

irahhhhhh! says:
WAS?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Atifaz says:
FINE BIBAH IS NOT WAS

nade says:
you know like chem class, i was standing at the door, then he saw me then hid behind a wall and let other ppl pass first

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHA

nade says:
-_-

irahhhhhh! says:
-___________________________-

irahhhhhh! says:
MUCKER!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHA

Atifaz says:
WTF?!?!?!how OBVIOUS can he be?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Atifaz says:
MAFUCKER

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
MUCKER!!

nade says:
MAFUCKER HAHHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
eeesh.

irahhhhhh! says:
MADE OF MUCK!

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHA

nade says:
MUCKER LAGI BAIK

nade says:
HAHAHA MADE OF MUCH

Atifaz says:
creative la you all xD

irahhhhhh! says:
MUCK

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHA

nade says:
much?? -_-

nade says:
muCK

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
MADE OF MUCH MUCK!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:
HEHEHEHHEHHEHEHEH

irahhhhhh! says:
MOMM

Atifaz says:
O.O?

irahhhhhh! says:
crap i'm so high

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAH TIBE TIBE MOMM

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHA
Atifaz says:
AHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:
kekek ah you all

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHA KEKEK PEPEK

irahhhhhh! says:
CHEYY KEKEK SEY!

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHA WTF NADIAH!

Atifaz says:
HHHAHHAHAHAHH OI NADIAH

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:
if i cld, i wld seriously laugh like that dude

irahhhhhh! says:
but i'ld hurt my back

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:
and my head

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

Atifaz writes:

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHA

nade says:
WHAT IN FUCKS NAME HAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
OMG THAT JUST MADE ME IMAGINE THE WRONGEST THG I CAN EVER IMAGINE

irahhhhhh! says:
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HOW MUCH RAMBUT CAN HE HAVE

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:
AHAHHAHAHAHH OMG BIBAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Atifaz says:
AHAHAHHAHHHHH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
(a smiley that atifa likes xD)

irahhhhhh! says:
LOOKS LIKE NAD!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Atifaz says:
I KNOW

Atifaz says:
HAHAHAH

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
i shld stop drinking tea right

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
i still got half a cup waiting for me on my table! HAHAHHA

Atifaz says:

Atifaz says:
nvm go ahead and drink, i know how nice it feels to drink tea

Atifaz says:
HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
reminds me of a book

Atifaz says:
once i chugged down one bottle of green tea in a day -.-

irahhhhhh! says:
i forgot wat

irahhhhhh! says:
either by cecelia ahern or sophie kinsella

Atifaz says:
oh and at this bbq with old friends i chugged down a bottle of vanilla coke also hahahha

irahhhhhh! says:
siket2 drink a cup of tea HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
typical english!

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHHH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHA GREEN TEA NOT TOO BAD LA!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAA VANILLA COKE

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
NICE

irahhhhhh! says:
dah lamer tak minom tu

nade says:
HAHA SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN TYPING I WAS COPYING THAT PCITURE HAHAHAH

nade says:
I'M SOOOO PUTTING IT ON MY BLOG

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WTF

irahhhhhh! says:
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
MIGHT AS WELL PUT THIS WHOLE CONVER

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

nade says:
HAHAHA I'M ON MSN WITH PRAJ NOW, MY OTHER FRIED

nade says:
HAHAHA

nade says:
LOOK

nade says:
WHAT SHE SAID

irahhhhhh! says:
praj?

nade says:
nade says:
but i can't believe it
nade says:
why did he delete me from facebook?
Parii says:
Because he's a penis

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
WTH

irahhhhhh! says:
HASHAHAAHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
WHY WON'T SHE JUST SAY D!

Atifaz says:
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH WTF

irahhhhhh! says:
ick

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAH

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAHHHA SO CUTE

Atifaz says:
PENIS

Atifaz says:
LMAO

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAHAH

Atifaz says:
dick

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
EH

irahhhhhh! says:
NEDDS SOME CENSORSHIP!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
*NEEDS

nade says:
i'm soooooo. blogging about this

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHA

Atifaz says:
hehehehehehhehe

nade says:
eh i tell you, once you enter a convo with aishah tipa ida and i, we ALWAYS need censorship

irahhhhhh! says:
faster type smmore!

irahhhhhh! says:
hahahahahah

nade says:
with the p word and stuff

nade says:
p and k

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

nade says:
HAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
k?

Atifaz says:
HAHHAHA YEP XDDDD

irahhhhhh! says:
ape pulak k?

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHAH

nade says:
ah hangman again

nade says:
k _ _ _ _

irahhhhhh! says:
huh

nade says:
haha five letters again

nade says:
HAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
kotor?

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHA

nade says:
hint : one boy part on girls part

irahhhhhh! says:
no need to censor

irahhhhhh! says:
ahhaha

irahhhhhh! says:
HUH??

Atifaz says:
kinky

Atifaz says:
O.o

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
OHHH

irahhhhhh! says:
KON..?

Atifaz says:
HAHHAHAHHAH FUCK IQHOVUHQOVUHQOUEFBOQUBCO

Atifaz says:
OUIHGOVHWOUBV C

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHHAAH

irahhhhhh! says:
TIPS!!!

Atifaz says:
SEE LA YOU MAKE ME GILER ALR >=O

irahhhhhh! says:
CENSORSHIP POLICY!!!

Atifaz says:
HAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
SORREH

Atifaz says:
BUT YOU ALL AH

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
CUTE TAU

Atifaz says:
>=P

Atifaz says:
*>=O

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
NADE LA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAA P AND K

nade says:
YAY ENTER THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF P AND K

Atifaz says:
HHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA

nade says:
-_-

Atifaz says:
LMAOOOOooOJOOooOO

nade says:
rambod takde konek

nade says:
HAHAHAHA

nade says:
okay that felt better

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Atifaz says:
HHHHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
RAMBOD BANYAK RAMBOT TAPI TAKDE KONEK

irahhhhhh! says:
AHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
WTF

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
OH CRAP!

irahhhhhh! says:
CENSOR!!!

nade says:
YEAH YEAH

nade says:
YEAH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHA

nade says:
HAHAHAH

Atifaz says:
rambod takde konek, atau rambod ade konek yg berambut lebat

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHHAHAH

nade says:
ehhh. soooooooo going on my blog. xD

Atifaz says:
HAHHAHAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
WTH

irahhhhhh! says:
AHAHHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAH

nade says:
HAHAHHAHAH RAMBUT TERLALU BANYAK SAMPAI TAK LEH NAMPAK KONEK LAGI

nade says:
HAHAHAH

Atifaz says:
we re all delirious in this convo

Atifaz says:
YA NADIAH

Atifaz says:
HAHHAHAHAHAHHA

Atifaz says:
SO IT'S LIKE FIGURATIVE SPEECH =D

nade says:
HAHAHHHAHAHA TU AH. YAYYYYY I LOVE GROSS CONVOS HAHAHAH

nade says:
HAHAHA FIGURATIVE SPEECH

nade says:
HAHAHHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

irahhhhhh! says:
WTH

irahhhhhh! says:
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Atifaz says:

irahhhhhh! says:
I JSUT REALISED HOW MANY HAHAHAHAHHAA'S THERE ARE

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
LIKE ALMOST EVERY LINE!

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAH

Atifaz says:
HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAAHHA

Atifaz says:
TRUE

Atifaz says:

nade says:
LOOOOOOOOOOOL YEAH

nade says:
haha happens all the time xD

nade says:
the hahahhaha

nade says:
eh i don't know which part of this convo to copy leh

nade says:
HAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHAHAH

irahhhhhh! says:
THE WHOLE CHUNK

irahhhhhh! says:
SINCE ATIFA CAME IN

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHAHAHAH

nade says:
HAHAHA OKAY

irahhhhhh! says:
HAHAHA OMG SERIOUSLY?

irahhhhhh! says:
AHHAHAHAHAH

Atifaz says:
HAHAHAHHA ok this is gonna be good

Atifaz says:
xD

HEHEHEHE.

2009-02-26T01:37:00.000+08:00

nah. it was wishful thinking. it always is, isn't it?

i'm surprisingly not sad anymore, though yesterday atifa was online on facebook and gave me guinea pig videos which made me feel better (: but then i felt down still as i got off the comp and then my mum called and could tell i was feeling down and then i just told her and broke down in the process.

today was still really depressing in the morning, i put on loads of eyeliner to school today to prove my point. but i'm better now, thank God.

tomorrow will be the first class with him since that happened. but i'll just face it i suppose. anyway he seems slightly guilty on facebook. he jolly well should be.

no, i'm more of disappointed than i am hurt. i put my hopes, my expectations into something.

just to have them dashed the very next day.

but i'm reminding myself that i am here for one thing : my grades. i can't and will not be distracted by anything else.

today another problem arose, though. i realise that because of this misunderstanding my friend had with another one of my friends, people are taking sides and hating me (?) just because i'm friends with this person.

which is totally unfair.

well. after much consideration, i still do wish i had gone to CTC in croydon, which is my brother's college. but i can't do anything about that now, can i?

anyway, life moves on.

2009-02-20T18:56:00.000+08:00

haha. i swear i'm a flirt.

i can't wait for monday, even though i've got an outline of a 3000-word bio essay to hand in, plus a test on like 6 topics.

because i know there's something else that's going to make me happy ;)

2009-02-17T16:16:00.000+08:00

half term is dead.

Dead.

I want to go to primark in oxford street with someone or watch slumdog millionaire, but my friend has gone to india for a holiday, and my brother's friends who are girls and whom i like can't go because their half term was from thursday to sunday -_-

i'm bored now, really. all i do is:

1)study
2)gym
3)msn my friends and facebook (which is probably the only fun thing)

-_-

and not to mention how i'm so behind in my work. i really have to do well in my AS Level Exams!!!

eurgh.

okay i'll try to reply your emails now. probably next entertaining thing, lol.

2009-02-13T04:08:00.002+08:00

i'm better now, sort of. :)

you really shouldn't be on facebook one day before a chemistry test. =\

2009-02-02T18:24:00.000+08:00

IT'S SNOWING!!!!

=D=D=D=D=D

Well it actually happened last night. I tell you the weather here is mad. I went to the gym yesterday afternoon and it was fine, maybe 10-15 degrees and just windy.

Then at night, i was studying chemistry in the kitchen. Was tired so i looked out of the window and GUESS WHAT I SAW =D=D=D=D=D

Then i told them excitedly that it was snowing and then the kids and their cousins who came to stay over and their aunt and my hostess and i all went outside.

I brought my camera along and took pictures, but unfortunately i can't put it up because i lost my usb port. :\ just think roads ankle-deep in ice kacang minus the syrup. hahaha.

Today i wanted to go to school. i knew there would be problem with the buses because the snow's very deep.

So i walked to my bus stop (or rather, prodded to the bus stop in ankle-deep snow) and waited for the bus. Then this kind lady who passed by told me that there were no buses. So i felt quite annoyed and walked all the way to the tube.

Again, there was a crowd because the tubes were delayed. So i texted my friend and told her the buses and tubes were effed up, and told her i was going to be late for school.

She called me and said ,

"Are you a nutter? There's no school today. Go home!"

HAHAHA YESSAH.

So i went back home. Now i'm at home.

I think i'm going to have a snowball fight later on with the kids. hahaha hurray, fun. :D

All the best in your new schools everyone! :D

2009-02-02T03:42:00.000+08:00

What are you listening to now?
Someone's in the toilet, and the room i'm in is very near the toilet, so.... yeah.

The person is bathing though.Haha.

What is your favourite number?
2

What was the last thing you ate?
Kus kus (spelling? It's a moroccan dish)

When was the last time you smiled?
when aishah said something about 'sunni' and 'shiah' on msn. i didn't smile, i exploded. -_-

How is the weather right now?
cold but not freezing (thank God)

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Mom ):

What is your worst habit?
exploding (though that's SERIOUSLY been toned down now that i'm in a co-ed school), burping and farting (sometimes silently, sometimes not) -__-

Do you smoke?
nay.

Do you drink?
nope.

When was the last time, if ever, blacked-out from drinking?
let's see, i drank coffee a couple of nights ago and was supposed to stay up to study, but then i ended up sleeping.

-_-

Hair colour?
black with brownish highlights (no,i don't have pink hair extensions................yet =D)

Eye colour?
dark brown

Do you wear contacts?
only to see clearly but those coloured ones freak me out

Favourite Holiday?
i'm happy as long as i can stay at home and sleep in.

Favourite Month?
December =)

Have you ever cried for no reason?
Not really.

What was the last movie you watched?

haha, mean girls. very long ago, i know.

Favourite day of the year?
don't really belive in that.

Are you too shy to ask someone out?
...Yes. Except friends though. Hahah.

Last advice you received?

aishah is singing to SNSD says:
look at my face.. U WILL

HAHAH. not exactly advice but encouraging thing.

What was the highlight of your weekend?
Being able to sleep in. =)

Chocolate or Vanilla?
you think? -_-

What is the last text message you received?
"Haha k i'll be on soon. I'm downloading the new msn and it's taking FOREVER.Gimme bout an hour k. Btw, i wasnt down, i was just saving sms money! Haha motorola counts by pages, u see. K see u soon on msn!"

HAHAH sorry tips, the question asked for it, not me.

What is the last message you sent?

"Hey can come online now? :) im online and so are the other two."

Who was the last person to call you?
Mom

what books are you reading?

no time, so the only ones are my textbooks -__- lol.

When was the last time you slept in someone’s bed?
everyday! i'm sleeping in someone else's house.

Favourite movie?
white chicks!!!

Favourite football team?
too girly to indulge in that stuff, lol

What were you doing before this?
laughing at toilet brush jokes concerning a*** on msn, with the superhero kids

Any pets?
many, many cats (i gave up counting HAHA)

Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. (does that come under butter?)

Dogs or cats?
cats =D

Favourite flowers?
roses

Have you ever loved someone?
i thought i did. I think i still do, but not really.

If you get what i mean.

Who would you like to see right now?
superhero kids!!! i just cried (out of laughter) because of the stuff we say on msn! xD

Are you still friends with people from Kindergarten?
forgot most of them, lol. Except diy.

Have you ever fired a gun?
haha yeah. NPCC ehem. lawl.

What website do you frequently visit?
blogs

If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?
=]

How many pillows do you sleep with?
currently, three.

Are you missing someone?
YAA. :O

Do you have a tattoo?
wish i did. but no. religious reasons.

What is the most unique thing about you?
Sometimes i crave for company, but sometimes i just want to be alone. Something i recently discovered.

Has anyone ever asked you if you were retarded?
They don't ask it, they just say it.LOL. As a joke of course.

Who was the last person you were in a fight with?
I DON'T FIGHT BABE =D at least, not physically. hehehe.

Where do you spend the majority of your time?
currently, my host family's house. haha.

How many texts have you sent/received today?
don't count babe. (don't mind me sounding like a mat, i just miss speaking malay, that's all)

Are you hated or a hater?
more of a hater.

How tall are you?
169-170cm.

Who has been the most influential person in your life?
well to be honest, my grandmother. for a lot of reasons. don't know how i can live without her.

What song are you totally sick of?
those that sound along the lines of secondhand serenade's songs (haha tips i agree.)

Who are you totally sick of?
nobody. i've been quite at peace with myself and other people since i've been in london, thank God.

If you could buy anything, what would it be?
i'm not sure. i just love shopping random things o_O haha.

who do you spend the most time with?
now, my host family. haha.

How do you deal with stupid people?
i don't discriminate. haha. just treat them as a human being i guess.

Do people take advantage of you?
there were instances in my life, yeah.

What show on TV do you always turn off?
the hills.

What cell phone are you dying to have?
i'm contented with the one i have as long i can call and text people easily. haha.

Who was the first boy/girl you fell in love with?
forgot. was in kindergaten. lol.

Why do you take these surveys?
dunno. just feel like it. haha.

Who do you really miss?
my family and friends!! =(

Besides your driver instructor, who taught you to drive?
self-taught! =] (go-kart -_-)

Do you wish you could be a kid again?
well, when i see how happy and cute the kids in my host family are... haha.

If you only had 100.00 in your wallet, what would you spend on?
clothes, accessories and make up. hehe.

Would you consider yourself sarcastic?
only when necessary.

Tell me about the best job you ever had?
never worked.

Do you lick your plate when you’ve finished eating?
used to xD

Who has disappointed you most in your life?
hmm. this is a rather complicated question. let's just say many people have, and so have i to them. other than that, i've also been disappointed with myself several times.

What is your favourite board game?
checkers and snakes and ladders! HAHA.

Do you get mad if you lose?
haha yeah.but only for a while.

Who is someone who can push your buttons the most?
'push your buttons' means turn you on right? or something along those lines? o_O

hahaha. i don't tell youuuuuu :p

Could you live without cheese?
i don't think so! though i'm mostly a junkie for chocolates. hahah. (and recently discovered, caramel frappucino from starbucks. you would too if your school is a 3 minute walk from starbucks x_x)

Who is the best cook you know?
grandmother! :D

If you could eliminate one word from the english vocabulary, what would it be?
unfairness.

Is there anything you think is over rated?
birthdays. definitely.

Are you at work right now?
well, i'm supposed to be studying but seeing that this is the last post till i'm free...

What is the last surprise you got?
someone saying this sweet thing to me.

--

sorry can't blog much/reply your tags/ or emails/tag your blogs/go on msn. been busy busy bussyyyy.

i just had three tests in a row last week. not to mention homework and the amount of revision i have to catch up with!

don't worry though, i have this one-week holiday called half-term in two weeks' time. i can't wait for it. i can catch up with my revision, go out with my friend who invited me to go to central london with her, and reply your emails and such.

okay until then =) hope to see you on msn soon. and don't worry, i will reply your tags eventually.i do read them.

2009-01-20T15:53:00.001+08:00

Oh God.

I've got a bio test tomorrow and i'm not prepared! So i'm going to take the short cut- my textbook has this cd which has the whole textbook in it.

I'm going to do some e-learning now! =D=D=D=D -_-

Anyway the kids don't hate me, they just didn't know what 'don't mind' means and thought i said 'Can i come watch TV with you?' Their answer was obviously a yes.

They're really nice and i'm feeling happy here, with the exception of the long school hours (can be up to 5.15pm from 9am). Thank goodness i have a friend already, and she seems really nice. The British Indian girl from my bio class.

The weather has significantly improved too, with the lowest temperature being slightly less than ten. Better than a negative temperature. Haha.

And i had a hilarious conversation with someone yesterday. It was break time and me and my friend were hanging around some other people, and there was this other pretty British Indian (There are loads of them in my college) girl. She noticed i was a new student.

Her: Are you new?

Me: Yeah.

(We tell each other our names)

Her: Are you indian?

Me: (speaking normally) Uh, no. I'm malay, it's just that i have indian blood.

Her: Your accent is wicked!

Me: O_o HAHAHA! I don't have an accent!

LOL, i mean i've been told i sound malay before, but i don't think i have an accent. Do i?

Anyway i should have replied," No, i think YOUR accent is wicked!"

-__________________________-

Anyway i have to go now, i desperately need to study biology. Hope to see you on msn this weekend! =)

2009-01-14T06:26:00.003+08:00

i mean, i don't want to have expectations but you can't stop an intuition now, can you?

outburst

2009-01-13T22:20:00.001+08:00

Bored of doing maths homework. ):

Managed to catch tips on msn just now. Haha, hopefully that can happen again this weekend.

This is quite a stupid reason to feel sad but i just wish bill didn't turn from hot guy to hot girl-looking person. He's still gorgeous to me, but he's bordering on freaking drag now!

what's wrong with youuu. why can't you just stick with your nice short hair and not wear girly stuff.

has anybody told you that you look quite girly sometimes?

eurghhh why. whyyyyyyyyyyy. If you want to grow long hair and wear make up and nail polish and lots of accessories, at least put on some muscles!!!

):

You know it's pictures like that which convinces me that he's not straight.

By the way, come to think of it, i lied when i said i felt nothing about my olevel results. It's neutral but leaning towards disappointment.

Alright, i lied again. I'm disappointed.

Well I dunno, it sucks when you have an intuition which didn't come through. Especially when it has been lingering around for a while. It doesn't have an impact on the college i go to because i am already in a college, but it is something i thought i'd achieve for myself.

Ah, here we go again. Disappointment. What was it that i said about expectations again?

*looks at post below before first jan*

I'm going nuts.

eggs on a plate

2009-01-13T04:19:00.003+08:00

And finally, the results.

Someone whom i was on the phone with (kinda forgot who.. sorry) told me the results would come out on monday, 2pm.

So that would be monday, 6am here in london. I found myself conscious of the time. My brother called, saying he called my grandmother and got no news so far.

Since my school starts at 9am, i was in the bus at about 8.45am. Then i alighted at 8.55am, and got a phone call from my brother.

Him, sounding happy : Guess how much you got.

Me: What? Good? Bad?

Him: Guess.

Me, half screaming: TELL ME! *really expects him to say 8, because for some reason that number has been playing around in my mind for quite a while*

Him: Ten.

Me: Oh? Okay. *finds myself feeling nothing*

He then tells me what i scored for which subject, but i didn't really take notice.

Then i messaged my mum, dad, aishah, atifa, and called a couple of people when i was in school, messaged a couple more people when i was back at my host family's house, and got more calls from my family, who were over the moon for me.

But me? I had no feeling.

You can just tell me that breakfast is ready and i'll give you the same "oh, okay" reply.

I can't say i'm disappointed; judging from the way i slacked and slept as much as i wanted and only studied at the last minute, this is quite an achievement. But i can't say i'm happy either, i really hoped to get a single digit.

What's more, when you're one number away from a single digit. -_-

Well, here's the breakdown of what i scored for which subject, according to a message from my mum :

EL - A1
History- A2
Combined Humans - A2
Maths - A1
Add Math - A2
Chemistry - B3
Biology - A2
HML - B3

and thus the total of 10.

I'm particularly disappointed in my chemistry. I can't believe i slogged my arse off for that subject and got a B3, while i slacked in bio and didn't even study properly the day before, and got an A2. I just don't believe it.

And honestly, i thought i'd nail Add math and screw Emaths. I did okay for both, but it seems like the grades should have been swapped -_-

I'm quite surprised for english though.Hahahaha. Must have been the Bill compo xD Haha Bill Kaulitz, thanks for the inspiration xD

So overall, 6 As and 2 Bs. My whole family is happier than me. I'm just like, Meh. I have this white board in my house where all my books are. On it i wrote in huge handwriting "L1R5 AIM: LESS THAN OR EQUALS TO (the sign) 10"

So, i got the maximum aim for my L1R5. I suppose i don't feel anything because i'm neither disappointed or happy. Just, well. Meh-ed.

On a lighter note, though, my aunt who's very proud of me told me this is what i achieved despite my efforts being last minute, so there's a greater potential in me. Hmm, i hope so. -_-

I just hope cambridge, oxford or kings' college university bothers to look at this.

By the way, my parents left for singapore yesterday. My mother was crying and my father was tearing. It was quite sad. After they left for the airport and my mother said she'll call before the flight to singapore, i messaged her saying i was really tired and needed to sleep. But she still called me anyway because she "needed to hear my voice one more time" (she was practically choking on her words as she said that).

Now i'm really alone in london, except my host family, my few friends at school and my brother in croydon.

I just hope i lead my life better than i did in secondary school.

(Ps: Congratulations to all of you who have achieved what you wanted :D I still have to reply your tags (which i do read btw!), your emails, and tag your blogs, and everything else. Soon, i promise.)

BUFFER

2009-01-10T18:46:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling better... quite. Tomorrow my parents are leaving for singapore. Arghh.

Anyway guys, I will blog properly/check my email and reply you guys properly/check and tag your blogs/everything else SOON! I PROMISE!

And olevel results come out on monday i heard.

GALALALALALALALALALAA ALL THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-07T19:15:00.001+08:00

Frozen (in every sense of the word)

Hello all, i'm in a different place right now.

Clue:

-_-

Well, i actually had wanted to blog a super hyper post about it a few days ago, but i really am in no mood to do that today.

So basically, here are a few things i've learnt in these few days i've been here:

1) London is, please excuse my language, FUCKING COLD.

When i touched down on first jan the pilot announced it was 3 degrees.

The next few days it was alright, perhaps between 0 to 5 degrees.

But the past few days, today included, were horrible. One of the staff at my school (which i shall talk about later) commented that this is the worst winter in about ten years.

I mean really, when the fountain near your school has frozen water on it, you can tell it's sub-zero.

And unfortunately, it has been sub-zero for the past few days. It was even on the cover of a British newspaper yesterday that the temperature here has dipped to even -10 degrees, but thankfully that's in other parts of UK and not in London.

2) Winter is dry. Dryyyy. Which means your skin is dry. Which means extreme itchiness, which means a mosturizer is very necessary. (Unfortunately i forgot to apply it today -_-)

3) If anyone of you is planning to come to London soon, let me recommend a shopping place for you that is cheap, good, nice,has PLENTY of sizes and has EVERYTHING - Primark. (Yes Atifa, sooo totally agree with you)

4) It is excruciatingly difficult to find halal places to eat in London. So i find myself eating kebabs, HOUMUS (spelling?) which is just delicioussss, and the food my host family(who are Moroccon) eats.

5) I'd like to bust a myth my mother told me about, which is that London has girls who are plummer than me.

Ehem, at least in Singapore i thought i had the advantage of height as compared to the papans.

Here, the girls are tall AND papan. And fashionable too (which isn't always a good thing, because Oh my God, who the hell wears miniskirts and tights when the temperature is EFFIN SUB ZERO???)

-_-

Ok so now i'm actually going to talk about what happened.

Okay crap, i can't find the USB port to transfer the pictures from my camera and i really don't care to open up my bags just to look for it, so perhaps i'll post the pictures another day.

Life in general

The reason why i said i was in no mood to blog hyperly about all the things i've done, even though i have some very juicy things to talk about, is because of one thing.

I'm homesick.

London is freezing, Singapore is hot. I prefer neither extremes, i want something in the middle but unfortunately that will only come during summer here, where the temperature is fine.

I miss the efficiency of things in Singapore.

I miss being one phonecall or message away from my family and friends. I still am, but at a very high cost.

Anyway, my school is located very near Victoria station.The house i'm living in isn't very far from there, only two tube stops.

Where i'm residing

As some of you may already know, i'm staying with a host family. To be more specific, the head of the family is an Imam.

Yes, you didn't read wrongly. Imam. He and his wife are from Morocco. And he's really good-looking and has a janggut but NOT datuk (LOL to atifa.)

Haha and yes, they have sons. Three hot sons (I'm not joking, they're all really good-looking) .

Aged 5,7 and 10.

The first day i came they were very nice and talkative. Despite their parents being Moroccon and having problems with English, they are really the opposite. They're cute and have a nice British accent!

But over the days i thought they hated me. Whenever i came home they'll give me this 'omg, it's you again' look. But i guess i'm just being paranoid. I mean, they're KIDS. they don't really hate people, do they?

And i just had dinner with them. They talked to me. Haha. Yay for me.

Omg what kind of LSE is this where i need even kids to accept me. -_- I guess i just don't want to live with people who hate me in a totally foreign country, that's all.

Abbey college

School's alright. Today's my second day and yesterday was my first.

Ah, here's another thing i miss about Singapore: The prospect of having to wear home clothes and make up to school was attractive at first. But after a while i think i quite dislike it. Why? Because having a uniform saves you the hassle of choosing what to wear everyday and what accessories and shoes to pair it with. (Yes all of that are very important to me,i brought a whole effin bag of accessories -_-)

Yesterday i made friends with a couple of Vietnamese and Chinese new students. Sadly there weren't any Singaporeans or Malaysians, i was the only one.

This internal admissions officer whom i shall just call Mr Robert took us and gave us an introduction to things about the school. We had to get a lot of things settled and since some students have not taken the tube before, he made us take the tube to lots of places and do some things there. Not the best thing to do, it was freezing cold. :\

I like the Vietnamese people i met. They were very friendly. So were the Chinese people. :D

Today i started having lessons. My whole biology class is made up of Indian British people, five unfriendly boys and one nice girl. It was pretty awkward, because THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'M IN A CO-ED SCHOOL SINCE EFFIN KINDERGATEN.

Then i had chem, where LUCKILY, i was alone.

Today was pretty miserable for me, to be honest. Overall i wish i entered my brother's school in Croydon. Then we will be in the same school, i'll join his clique of friends, and i'll actually have a family member i can contact when i feel down or need something. And this reinforces my subtle hate for you, you stupid life-ruiner. When i didn't say i love you, i meant it.

GALALALLALALALAAL this is a very, very brief post from what i had actually intended to write. But i'm annoyingly still jetlagged, it's 7:10pm here right now and 3:10am there in Singapore, and i'm lethargic.

I better sleep early tomorrow because i have school till 5.15pm. Good day to all of you, i miss you guys. Meh.

(And atifa i still owe you a reply to your email, which i shall read after i lie down for a while)

Lol.

2009-01-01T19:38:00.002+08:00

What are you listening to now?
Someone's in the toilet, and the room i'm in is very near the toilet, so.... yeah.

The person is bathing though.Haha.

What is your favourite number?
2

What was the last thing you ate?
Kus kus (spelling? It's a moroccan dish)

When was the last time you smiled?
when aishah said something about 'sunni' and 'shiah' on msn. i didn't smile, i exploded. -_-

How is the weather right now?
cold but not freezing (thank God)

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Mom ):

What is your worst habit?
exploding (though that's SERIOUSLY been toned down now that i'm in a co-ed school), burping and farting (sometimes silently, sometimes not) -__-

Do you smoke?
nay.

Do you drink?
nope.

When was the last time, if ever, blacked-out from drinking?
let's see, i drank coffee a couple of nights ago and was supposed to stay up to study, but then i ended up sleeping.

-_-

Hair colour?
black with brownish highlights (no,i don't have pink hair extensions................yet =D)

Eye colour?
dark brown

Do you wear contacts?
only to see clearly but those coloured ones freak me out

Favourite Holiday?
i'm happy as long as i can stay at home and sleep in.

Favourite Month?
December =)

Have you ever cried for no reason?
Not really.

What was the last movie you watched?

haha, mean girls. very long ago, i know.

Favourite day of the year?
don't really belive in that.

Are you too shy to ask someone out?
...Yes. Except friends though. Hahah.

Last advice you received?

aishah is singing to SNSD says:
look at my face.. U WILL

HAHAH. not exactly advice but encouraging thing.

What was the highlight of your weekend?
Being able to sleep in. =)

Chocolate or Vanilla?
you think? -_-

What is the last text message you received?
"Haha k i'll be on soon. I'm downloading the new msn and it's taking FOREVER.Gimme bout an hour k. Btw, i wasnt down, i was just saving sms money! Haha motorola counts by pages, u see. K see u soon on msn!"

HAHAH sorry tips, the question asked for it, not me.

What is the last message you sent?

"Hey can come online now? :) im online and so are the other two."

Who was the last person to call you?
Mom

what books are you reading?

no time, so the only ones are my textbooks -__- lol.

When was the last time you slept in someone’s bed?
everyday! i'm sleeping in someone else's house.

Favourite movie?
white chicks!!!

Favourite football team?
too girly to indulge in that stuff, lol

What were you doing before this?
laughing at toilet brush jokes concerning a*** on msn, with the superhero kids

Any pets?
many, many cats (i gave up counting HAHA)

Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. (does that come under butter?)

Dogs or cats?
cats =D

Favourite flowers?
roses

Have you ever loved someone?
i thought i did. I think i still do, but not really.

If you get what i mean.

Who would you like to see right now?
superhero kids!!! i just cried (out of laughter) because of the stuff we say on msn! xD

Are you still friends with people from Kindergarten?
forgot most of them, lol. Except diy.

Have you ever fired a gun?
haha yeah. NPCC ehem. lawl.

What website do you frequently visit?
blogs

If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?
=]

How many pillows do you sleep with?
currently, three.

Are you missing someone?
YAA. :O

Do you have a tattoo?
wish i did. but no. religious reasons.

What is the most unique thing about you?
Sometimes i crave for company, but sometimes i just want to be alone. Something i recently discovered.

Has anyone ever asked you if you were retarded?
They don't ask it, they just say it.LOL. As a joke of course.

Who was the last person you were in a fight with?
I DON'T FIGHT BABE =D at least, not physically. hehehe.

Where do you spend the majority of your time?
currently, my host family's house. haha.

How many texts have you sent/received today?
don't count babe. (don't mind me sounding like a mat, i just miss speaking malay, that's all)

Are you hated or a hater?
more of a hater.

How tall are you?
169-170cm.

Who has been the most influential person in your life?
well to be honest, my grandmother. for a lot of reasons. don't know how i can live without her.

What song are you totally sick of?
those that sound along the lines of secondhand serenade's songs (haha tips i agree.)

Who are you totally sick of?
nobody. i've been quite at peace with myself and other people since i've been in london, thank God.

If you could buy anything, what would it be?
i'm not sure. i just love shopping random things o_O haha.

who do you spend the most time with?
now, my host family. haha.

How do you deal with stupid people?
i don't discriminate. haha. just treat them as a human being i guess.

Do people take advantage of you?
there were instances in my life, yeah.

What show on TV do you always turn off?
the hills.

What cell phone are you dying to have?
i'm contented with the one i have as long i can call and text people easily. haha.

Who was the first boy/girl you fell in love with?
forgot. was in kindergaten. lol.

Why do you take these surveys?
dunno. just feel like it. haha.

Who do you really miss?
my family and friends!! =(

Besides your driver instructor, who taught you to drive?
self-taught! =] (go-kart -_-)

Do you wish you could be a kid again?
well, when i see how happy and cute the kids in my host family are... haha.

If you only had 100.00 in your wallet, what would you spend on?
clothes, accessories and make up. hehe.

Would you consider yourself sarcastic?
only when necessary.

Tell me about the best job you ever had?
never worked.

Do you lick your plate when you’ve finished eating?
used to xD

Who has disappointed you most in your life?
hmm. this is a rather complicated question. let's just say many people have, and so have i to them. other than that, i've also been disappointed with myself several times.

What is your favourite board game?
checkers and snakes and ladders! HAHA.

Do you get mad if you lose?
haha yeah.but only for a while.

Who is someone who can push your buttons the most?
'push your buttons' means turn you on right? or something along those lines? o_O

hahaha. i don't tell youuuuuu :p

Could you live without cheese?
i don't think so! though i'm mostly a junkie for chocolates. hahah. (and recently discovered, caramel frappucino from starbucks. you would too if your school is a 3 minute walk from starbucks x_x)

Who is the best cook you know?
grandmother! :D

If you could eliminate one word from the english vocabulary, what would it be?
unfairness.

Is there anything you think is over rated?
birthdays. definitely.

Are you at work right now?
well, i'm supposed to be studying but seeing that this is the last post till i'm free...

What is the last surprise you got?
someone saying this sweet thing to me.

--

sorry can't blog much/reply your tags/ or emails/tag your blogs/go on msn. been busy busy bussyyyy.

i just had three tests in a row last week. not to mention homework and the amount of revision i have to catch up with!

don't worry though, i have this one-week holiday called half-term in two weeks' time. i can't wait for it. i can catch up with my revision, go out with my friend who invited me to go to central london with her, and reply your emails and such.

okay until then =) hope to see you on msn soon. and don't worry, i will reply your tags eventually.i do read them.

Happy new year?

2008-12-31T20:10:00.000+08:00

It's the 31st of December today. Tomorrow i shall be leaving for another part of this world for quite a long time, and begin a new life there.

I'm quite over S after i viewed his friendster profile yesterday (the superhero kids and bibs know what i'm talking about) , but i still remember what we talked about once.

S: When are you leaving?

Me: (this was last week) Next thurs, 1st Jan.

S: So sad.

Me: Why?

S: Then can't celebrate.

Me: .... What is there to celebrate?

S: *silent*

Lol.

I don't believe in new year resolutions, but i just hope 2009 is less agonizing than 2008.

On a slightly lighter note, though, i'm coming back in April for a while i think. Which means only four months, not six! :D :D :D :D :D :D

-_-.

Give Up

2008-12-30T21:02:00.000+08:00

Somehow i get the feeling that the more you hope for something or the more you want something in this world, the more you're not going to get it.

I guess the phrase 'nice guys finish last' holds true here.

I think the best solution now is to stop hoping. I'm going to do what i can but i don't think i want to have expectations of anything anymore.

Which is good, isn't it? If you get it, you're happy. if not, you're just indifferent - you never expected it anyway.

I hope you die a horrible death and get skinned alive in hell, you disgusting bastard.

Life is truly a bitch and a half.

2008-11-20T14:49:00.000+08:00

hello, this
is my temporary blog (click on the word 'this')

no idea why, but the blogskin for that blog doesn't work for this one.

you'll be pleasantly surprised when you go to that blog :] and until i get sick of that blogskin, i'll be posting there from now on.

so, temporary ta-ta, everyone! [:

2008-11-19T14:24:00.000+08:00

SO.

Nothing to talk about, no feelings except zombieness if there ever was such a feeling, no apparent weight loss, totally stuffed my face with sinful things today which i'm probably going to take forever to burn off, i can't believe i'm going to go live alone without my family next year, nor can i believe that i take 3 days to read about 200 pages, and i haven't started studying physics, or for that British Council exam.

Basically i've just been appalled at myself.

2008-11-17T15:52:00.000+08:00

I find it really tragic when people who don't even know how much they mean to you make an assumption based on a warped misunderstanding, and decide to remove themselves from your life.

I'm hoping for the best, but if it comes true, it's going to be pretty empty.

Anyway, on a lighter note, prom was two days ago! I couldn't update yesterday because gym wore me out. It wore me out today as well, which is why i'm using what little energy i have left to update.

Lol i'm chatting with my older brother on msn now, and just now he went off for lunch for a while, so his good friend and room mate, sam, took over:

-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
naz is lunching
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
sam here
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
hahahaha
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
he(bill) isnt gd looking !
are you aware of how goddamned pretty you are? says:
lol! hello
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
i thought it was a girl
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
a manly girl
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
ughghgh
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
like those u see in the changi village thingy in spore <-(HAHAHA WHUTTT. don't know how he knows it, he's malaysian)
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
hahah
are you aware of how goddamned pretty you are? says:
.....
are you aware of how goddamned pretty you are? says:
k you're not the first to say he's a gay/fag/tranny
are you aware of how goddamned pretty you are? says:
i don't know, i have weird taste i suppose
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
cause he is
are you aware of how goddamned pretty you are? says:
i like feminine men and
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
thats not even feminine man
are you aware of how goddamned pretty you are? says:
and androgyny, in general
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
he crossed way far the line
-[NaZ]- Feel the pages turn to stone. says:
hahaha

Glawlz. -_-

And i honestly don't know why people think Bill sounds like a girl in Monsoon. Does he, really? I thought so at first, when my dearest friend KILLER STARE (LAWL) introduced me to the band, but after a while it sounded guyish, didn't it?

)=

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

By the way, speaking of Bill, this is another video mocking Tokio Hotel. It's called Tokyo Motel and it's sort of a series... I find this one particularly hilarious

(What 'Bill', who's obviously a girl actress, says in the video:
That's all?
Sissy.
Mummy! I wet my bed again!)

And i looooooooovee what she's wearing.

I feel like a zombie, to be honest. I've shut my blog out completely for the O's and now that I'm back I don't really know what to say.

Ironically, thousands of things have been running through my mind the whole of the Olevels and i was thinking of putting them down here but it seems like everytime i'm at the computer those thoughts leave me.

One thing i've noticed, though, is that when you're out of the house during the holidays, no negative or stupid thoughts creep up in your mind. Because your mind is fully occupied.

Which is why i make it a point to go out everyday. To the gym, mostly. Which wears me out and by the time i get home i can't do anything much except sleep or read books.

There have been a couple of things which make me feel down.

Firstly, i feel like an undeserving shit. Seriously, if God exchanged places with an orphan or some disabled kid i bet they'll all appreciate my life better. I feel like an ass taking so much from my parents with so little in return.

I was just looking through my college fees the other day. And believe me when i say this: they are exorbitant, not even including where i'll stay, which will add on to the cost.

I suppose i'll have to make sure every penny spent on the college is worth it (i.e, bring home great results. Which isn't impossible, my brother's doing really well in his college) .

And when i start working i'm immediately going to give my parents back a lot of money. I feel really awful. I've been given so much in life and didn't use them properly and i know i'm going to be held accountable by God for every single thing i've wasted (which actually, is everything.)

Secondly, don't mean to sound whiny. But diets get you really down. I found out today i've already lost 3 kg. Which is good but.. not enough.

Not enough, damn it.

I never realised it, but i actually think i want to be skinny. If not for health, then it's for the 98% of clothes in my closet i don't wear.

Don't worry though, i won't do anything to harm myself like being bullimic, etc. I'm not that disciplined anyway.

I'll just go through the normal, difficult way - watch what you eat and exercise. I just wish it will be really quick, i'm going abroad not very long from now and i still have (x-3)kg to lose.

Looking back, one thing that appalls me most about secondary school is, how in hell did i gain so much weight? Don't expect me to tell you how much, you'll gawk in disbelief.

I'm planning to lose a lot of weight now but it's so difficult. The time constraint (i.e, slightly more than one month), the tiring workouts and my occassional moments of weakness (when i succumb to stupid delicious chocolate.)

This is the most disciplined i've been in my secondary school life. I want to lose weight, I really do. But it's going to be hard.

Likewise, it's going to be hard to do well in my college. Mother tells me the leap from O's to A's is huge. But i can't let her down. I can't let anyone down anymore.

Which brings me to another topic - Disappointment.

But i'm too tired now, and too worn out. I suppose i've just blurted the things i've been thinking about for a while. Maybe when i have inspiration i'll blog, not when i don't know what to say and have to force something out of my head.

Goodbye, have a good and fulfilling life, everyone. Don't waste life, you'll never get the time you wasted back.

-_- tsk.

2008-11-15T04:32:00.000+08:00

So, the O'levels are like,

OVERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)))))))))))))))))))))))

(One of the brackets is a smile, the others are chins. -_-)

Looking back, i know i should have worked harder, and i definitely don't think i'll be getting below ten now (-_-).

And whenever i was sad/depressed during the exam period, i'd sneak to the computer and watch this video

):

And I'm very, very strangely still in the exam mood, like i woke up early today and wasn't tired, and i still feel the urgency to study something! (Lawlz i read aishah's blog, contrasts greatly with how she feels don't it)

Well technically i still do. I'm going to take all three sciences and maths in my college and i have to read through the basics of physics (YIKES), and in three weeks' time i have to take this english exam from British Council. All this before i go overseas. Which is in january.

)=

I feel weird and dead today.

Today's prom and i'll look like a ketupat in what i'm going to wear.

I'm going to meet ida soon at tampines mall cos atifa can't make it and aishah most probably can't either.

My tummy is huge, my thighs are worse than thunder, my ass is made up of two globes.

BUT I HAVE A GYM MEMBERSHIP NOW!! Gyms are fun! You get to do classes with all these people and two hours pass by like that and you'll be burning fats! AND, you don't feel like eating a lot after that cos you're like, gosh, THIS is the amount of effort i need to put in to lose that amount of weight?

GALALALALALALALALALALAA

Since it's after the O's now, I want to lose x amount of kilos :)

hahahahahahhahaha i be crapping.

ok this is a parody of Tokio Hotel, and i think the person acting as Bill is a girl (-_-).

Haha i don't know what she's saying but i find it funny somehow.

Haha ok i'll buzz off now

2008-11-11T14:30:00.000+08:00

I AM A SINNERRR.

I'm supposed to be sleeping now. -_-

Anyway i can't help it! I just can't help it when i see an unattended computer which is switched on! I'll go to it and search for things like this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZc7lZGBd-U (sorry this computer is a stupid bitch that doesn't have microsoft word so i have embedding problems)

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. WELL I CERTAINLY DID/AM. I CAN'T HELP BUT STARE AT THOSE NICE EYEBROWS MOVING UP AND DOWN AND THOSE BEAUTIFUL EYES LINED WITH EYELINER.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU'RE SAYING IN THAT VIDEO, BILL, BUT YOU ARE THE HOTTEST THING I KNOW.

-__- now i'm going to watch it one last timeee before i sleep. have fun for prom everyone! hehe. Can't wait to see what you all are wearing.

By the way, Tokio Hotel won the 'headliners' awards for the EMAs. And Bill's reaction is one worth squealing at for 1230978495465864587356375 seconds (which, being me, i did XD )

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvveeeeeee Bill Kaulitz, I want my husband to be like him HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE (Omg, i sound six.)

OK OK OK I'M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP EARLY TO STUDY GOODNIGHT PEEPALZZ

2008-09-22T02:55:00.000+08:00

You seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, he looks like a man in the first part of this video! SWOON!

And i'm quite happy with some things now. Some confusions have more or less been sorted out, and finally there's PEACE.

Alrighty i'll eff off now, not even supposed to be here but i just can't resist Bill, y'know. ;)

2008-09-15T13:51:00.000+08:00

Strategize and Anesthetize

Five weeks. Five weeks is all i have before something huge is happening; before i determine my own fate.

Five weeks to prepare, like how soldiers prepare their arms before fighting a war. Wars are always intimidating.The question is, do you have what it takes?

Five weeks to the most important thing in four years of my life.

And in these five weeks there should not be any distractions. Just me, God, and the books.

So, i'm setting some rules for myself. I'll challenge myself and see if i'll break them or not. Hopefully, the latter. :

1) No more thinking about distracting things, e.g __________________________ because ALL. It ever does/ever will do is make me feel more negative about myself. What has happened is fate, let it go and move on.

2) No more using the comp for 1029348184 hours surfing up bill and tokio hotel. I'm putting a picture of them on my calculator as a symbol of my undying love for them (-_-), without wasting my time expressing it.

3) FOCUS. What's coming ahead is my future. Nothing is standing in my way except myself.

Things i'll need for support. I can't do this on my own :

1) God.

2) My family members.

3) My friends.

4) The other sane and disciplined side of me that has rarely reared its head since last year. Please, wherever you are. Come out. I need you now.

Taking (what i hope to be) a permanent hiatus till the end of this. War.

Until then, tata. And all the best to the rest of you too.

2008-09-15T03:00:00.000+08:00

Hahaha "Unicorn? I don't know what's that."

"OH vampires! Yes i love vampire movies."

Eurgh. So annoyingly cute for what. -_-

Hahaha towards the end Miley Cyrus was like 'Bye Ben' hahaha dude, you've got the name wrong siakxszxszxszxszx

k bye -_-

(atifa: this ain't over nyahahahahaha)

2008-09-13T16:00:00.000+08:00

Overdue!

1. The first person to tag you is?
Trickster aka Tipa :D

2. Your relationship with him/her?
Good friends

3. Your 5 impression of him/her?
intelligent, profound, cute, creative, uh.. A.C.N-like? XD

4. The most memorable thing he/she done for you?
Post beautiful videos of beautiful people in her blog for me to ogle at :3

5. The most memorable thing he/she has said to you?
"I think you'll say more than just ONE 'ich liebt dich' to bill kaulitz" hahahaha something along those lines.

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will?
Aiyo. No way ah. I'm straight. I love this guy

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things she/he needs to improve on?
For God's sake she will never ever be -_-
I got inspiration from aishah. Attitude/face/personality must be like the guy above ^^ =)

8. IF he/she becomes you enemy, you will?
Never be able to live peacefully with myself, hah. I treasure my good friends okay.

9.IF he/she becomes your enemy, the reason would be?
my stupid intolerance. Bleh.

10. The most desired thing you like to do with him/her now?
youtube beautiful bill :)

11. Your overall impression of him/her?
Cool and mysterious.. haha tipa seriously

12. How do you think people around me feel about her?
cool and mysterious and emotional. AND CUTE! =)

13. The characters you love of yourself are?
I kind of like making people feel happy and better, i laugh a lot?, I have a huge capacity for love

14. ON the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are?
A bit too sensitive and affected easily, i sometimes tend to overlook people's good qualities and focus on their flaws until something like the eugene episode happens, i'm pessimistic, i really need to be more confident and i severely lack self-discipline

15. The most ideal person you wanna be?
I don't. I sieve out good points and qualities from everyone and put them together and that's what and who i want to be.

16. For people who cares and like you, say something to them?
You guys rock because i may come across as nice but i think i'm a really bad person. Thanks for tolerating my embarrassing laughter, particularly in public places. Sorry if i ever disappointed/hurt you guys unintentionally or intentionally. Just thank you for being so accepting and tolerant with people like me (:

5 People i'm gonna tag to do this survey:
Not that many people visit my blog -_- But kapoor.hahahaha.

And by the way, end of prelims= start of shitmuggen. -_-

2008-09-12T02:32:00.000+08:00

10 videos but not quite :)

Hah. Gotta love the face <3<3<3

1:23 or somewhere round there. I'm not a pervertic person who checks out certain parts of the opposite sex, but is that a cute butt or WHAT? :D

VMAS! I've been trying to look all over for Bill's FULL thank-you tribute (which was about all of thirty seconds) but can't find it nowhere :/ at least, maybe not now.

People who love that cookie donut vid in tipa's blog (although i highly doubt anybody but me watched it) should love this

This one too. And i especially love this song. Hahahahhahaaha.

HAHAHAHAHA ATIFA, WATCH WHAT TOM DOES IN THIS VIDEO HAHAHAHHAHA.

Some arse threw something at bill when he was on stage. How rude -_- (and check out his expression before and after hahahaha)

like the first few pics.. Heh :D

okay that's about it (for today). More obsessing tomorrow. End of prelims y'all.

2008-09-09T05:53:00.000+08:00

YYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/vma/2008/best-new-artist/

:D :D :D :D :D

Guess who contributed ;D

2008-09-02T14:49:00.000+08:00

Fallen - Sarah McLachlan

Melancholic song. Reminded me of things which don't even deserve to be called memories. But anyway, 95% of the lyrics are true.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I'm such an escapist. Snap back to reality, damn it. Stop thinking about things that won't happen.

2008-09-02T03:08:00.000+08:00

Today

-Is the first day of Ramadhan! The amount of saliva in my mouth fluctuates.

-IS BILL AND TOM KAULITZs' BIRTHDAY! HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY DUDES! Bill - You're just drop dead and i love the androgyny thing going on and Tom - You're so coooooool. I hope i meet the both of you one day.

I like this fan video.

This one too. :D

Yesterday
Yesterday was one of the weirdest days of my life.

My mother pissed the hell out of me in the morning.

I was studying chemistry, looking at the types of oxides on my table when suddenly i saw a picture of Bill and a few seconds later, Tokio Hotel. I looked up and saw my dad pressing his index finger against his lips.

HE BOUGHT ME THE FREAKIN' CD!!!

So obviously, other than Atifa and Aishah who tried and succeeded in cheering me up(thanks guys), that cheered me up a hell lot.

I hated my mother for all of a few hours, which is an improvement for me. When i argue with people i usually hate them much longer than that...

Also, i completely got over some things which i was supposed to get over millions of years ago but didn't. I don't know, i just suppose it's fate and some people simply aren't worth your time anyway.

And i've also come to realise that i have left an impact on that person's life, no matter how hard that person tries to deny it... But it doesn't matter. One life lesson that i've learnt from all this is, if you can't change something, just accept it and move on because the deed is done and there's nothing left.

Besides getting over my anger for my mother and that person, i also received a message from Tique. Apparently she has the hots for Bill too. (She initially thought he was a chick hahahahahah)

Oh well. This could all be a blessing from God for this holy month. But i'm sinning as i'm typing here. I'm not supposed to be on the computer :D

This will probably be my last post till.. I don't know. End of prelims? Olevels? We'll see.

2008-08-30T00:39:00.000+08:00

Haha now i get what Aishah means by Bill sounding like a bitchy girl hahahahahha.

Well since i'm not going to be able to play the computer much/any more after this, and i think there's a 99.99% possibility that any Tokio Hotel member will come across this blog, i'd just like to say.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO BILL AND TOM KAULITZ

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I LOVE YOUR GUYS AND YOUR BAND

TO DEATH AND BILL YOU'RE AWESOME

hehe. g'night everybody.

2008-08-29T15:27:00.000+08:00

Black Magic

I'm feeling very alarmingly complacent today. The exams that i just did were all not as well-done as i had wanted them to be, and just because the prelims have ended this term doesn't mean it has fully ended, nor does it mean the O Levels have ended

)=

I find it hard to believe that the reason i came to tkgs in the first place will be happening in less than two months' time.

Well anyway.

English Paper 1- Section A, wrote about something very personal and emotional. So much that i found it difficult to continue to section B, but did anyway in the end.
English Paper 2- Still recovering from the after-effects of Paper 1. But it was alright after a while

SS- Strangely i think i did better for SEQ than SBQ this time. Usually it's the other way around. First time in an SS paper that i didn't know what to write for SBQ, but could reach L5 (at least i hope so) in SEQ.
HML P1-HAHAHA THIS PAPER. I tried to make sense in the dialogue even though i knew i was crapping but i had a LOT of fun for section B. Basically, I was an african-american black dude who was discriminated and i had a best friend called Bill Kaulitz hahahahahaha

Amaths P1- Some questions were crazy hard, and some were manageable. Which is something that makes me really unsatisfied. For exams you want to increase the probability that you will do well in a paper, and when you screw one part up you lose confidence for the next.
History P2- I was confident in SBQ but not really in SEQ. I was hoping the SBQ chapter would come out in SEQ instead. And they lied through their teeth about not combining chapters. I created my own pacts HAHAHA

Bio P2- Bloody. Screwed. Up. Never felt more like a dumb blonde in my life, minus the fact that i'm not blonde.

Emaths P2- It was not crazy hard, but it was tricky. I lose 12 marks just like that, by simply circling and moving on and not having time to revisit the questions. Also, my stomach had to be a bitch (probably the result of kacang pool yesterday...) halfway through the paper and i spent about 10 minutes inside the toilet.
Lit Elec- One thing i realise about lit is that i know what to say but not how to elaborate and make it into a well-developed essay. And it was a first time i tried out a 25-mark essay question based on jem. Hopefully it's good enough.

I'm going to take a deep breath, slack for a while, and then continue this crazy journey of exams. Next killer paper would be chemistry and i seriously have to revisit last year's history.

Today was a really eventful day.

After lit i met the rest at PP (To which i took a bus with Priyanka...Who told me things which are really food for thought) and we ate a bit at burger king. After that i went to look for some black eyeshadow (be yourself day) because i felt the one i had at home was too glittery. Aishah lent me $20 to get one. Thanks dude.

Then we left and as usual serious and i took 135 home... Until ida called.

Ida apparently had paid 55 cents to go home and it was all the money she had. Just because she lost her ezlink, however, she was told to get off the bus (something which i would have been very, very pissed about.)

So ida called me basically to ask if i was anywhere near because she really needed money to go home. I said no, serious and i were on our way home. But then i felt how desperate ida was and took a bus back to parkway with serious.

Then we met bibs and ain at the same bus stop. Gave Ida the coins she needed, and thought everything else was okay. Boarded bus 31 with ida, because we decided we might as well go home with her since we were there already. We thought everything was okay until...

The bus stop in the middle of nowhere. Really funny how jinxed we seemed at that point of time. But 4 or 5 free bus tickets for ida compensated for the lack of luck. HAHAHA.

Reached home finally around four. Ate and slacked.

Checked my phone and Tipa messaged me saying that TOKIO HOTEL WERE ON TRL. Nearly lost my mind. Screamed and hollered and switched on the TV and saw them on the TV and screamed somemore and i felt really irritated when there was this annoying rapper acting sexy and taking out his singlet. I didn't care. I WANTED TO SEE BILL. BILL KAULITZ.

So after that horrendous performance by the rapper (very out of tune, by the way), TRL ended and i saw tokio hotel standing beside the TRL people and that's it.

Felt very high after that and started bouncing around.

And then i slept, and i woke up still tired, ate dinner, and i'm here now.

And tomorrow's be yourself day.

This is not the video that i saw today but WHO CARES?? IT WAS TAKEN THIS MONTH!!!!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE WHAT BILL WAS WEARING! I really want a girl(ier) version of his whole outfit. And i swear i don't know how those fans who got to stand barely one metre from them can keep their cool.

Because if it were me, i'd jump, scream, squeal, hug Bill and Tom, and probably blush furiously (involuntary action) till the end of the day, and ask them to sign everything i have on me, and take pictures, and autographs, and tell them how much i love them, and tell Bill (very straightforwardly) that i'd love a boyfriend like him, and tell Tom he's hot, and tell Gustav he looks like a teddybear, and Georg that he's really like a cool surfer dude.

Mannnn. I looove that band. Haha thanks ida, you have a talent of introducing me to things which i eventually become obsessed about.

2008-08-25T13:40:00.000+08:00

Trust me to do something like this one day before an exam, and two days before a killer one.

I don't know if it's the rain, or the fact that i've been cooped up studying in my Grandmother's house all day.

Know how it feels when you want to go somewhere in your life so terribly and settle down and be stable, but you just keep.. how do i say this. Relapsing?

My mother told me before that an idle mind is one on which the devil can prey on. But this is nothing bad, nothing setanic. Moreover, it's something i jolly well have a control of, just that i keep going back to where i started.

I'm running in circles. I need to get out.

But then again, this may just be temporary. Sooner or later you're going to see me stoic and calm.

At least, i hope.

The only reason why i'm permitted to use the computer now is because i'm not; My family's out sending my cat to the vet. He seems to be sick.

Just two Fridays ago my other cat died. If this one is going to suffer a similar fate, then i just don't know how many things in my life i'm going to lose.

2008-08-21T07:10:00.000+08:00

I really shouldn't be here

Hahahahahah i just finished watching the video on Aishah's blog. The mat part is not that funny, but the minah part is just... disturbing.

Right. So why am i blogging when prelims start tomorrow?

Truth is, i have no idea. Just an impulse i suppose.

I'm quite thankful that some people whom i thought of as monsters managed to convince me to degrade them further to the status of a mosquito.

You hate mosquitoes, yet you live with them. They fly around you, you either swat at them or spray insecticide, or just be patient and bear with them. They can make you feel really infuriated, or you'll just have to be apathetic. They are, after all, just annoying and pathetic little creatures everyone hates.

And trust me, my apathy is officially genuine. =)

I still can't believe tomorrow marks the beginning of the last exam i'm ever going to have set by TKGS. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Whatever it is, i'm still not in the exam mode.

And i realise that September is going to be an extremely difficult month for me. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Honestly, i don't even know how it's August now when July felt like yesterday, and June felt like the day before, and May the day before that, and so on.

2008
January - Finding a foothold
February - (Stupid and unnecessary) Heartbreak
March - Healing
April - Healed and academics
May - Determination increased
June - Academy and deep musings
July - Went by in a blur
August - Confusion and stress

And i don't know what's going to happen in the next two months.. Life just changes too quickly.

By the way Ida, here's the video where Bill says he's gay. But he's being sarcastic because he read it off from the internet somewhere.

2008-08-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

Things are shaping up to be pretty odd.

1) I thought english oral was okay... But then after thinking about it, not quite.

2) Prelims are in five days.

3) O levels in 65.

4) My cat died yesterday.

5) I was planning to wake up at 8pm when i slept yesterday at 6pm, but i woke up at 4am today (soo typical)

6) I'm feeling guilty and hurt for things which don't even make sense. Like i've got this wound, and the scabs that form to try to heal it just keep flaking off and never really heal. Bleeding too. Wonder where my immunity system (if i ever HAD one in the first place) has gone to

7) Had a laugh with the gang at video world a couple of days ago. Some people would really love their normal faces to look like. Like ogres.

8) Aishah saw some disturbing things which, if i had seen, would make me traumatised. (Even tho death stare and i saw a similar thing in the 197 bus last year.. I will never forget)

It seems i'm facing the pre-exam-lack-of-preparation-self-destruction phase again.

And kapoor, Bill Kaulitz does NOT. Look like a cicak.

2008-08-11T19:48:00.000+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOUHIOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEE.

I want out. I WANT OUT. I BLOODY WANT OUT!

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGG

GGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHH.

What is it with suicide papers for exams?

Eurgh. This sucks.

Heh.

God, help me.PLEASE.

2008-08-11T11:29:00.000+08:00

Haha, when i said one particular picture i took during the National Day celebrations looks like an advertisement, i meant it.

Hehehe. See what i mean?

And heh, in case you didn't notice, two of the pictures below are this guy above and the other two are bill pictures.

Ain't he a dolllllll :D

*sighs and gives goofy smile*

He's the most masculine in the band, by the way.

HEHEHEHEHE.

Ok sorry, i should really be getting my gargantuan butt of the computer right now.

Oh i almost forgot.

My mother had this feeling, no- INTUITION, more like, that i would get married to a German one day. It's a really stupid thing to be happy about, but my mother also told me she had a feeling she would grow up to be a doctor (dentist now, but same diff) and would have a daughter called Nadiah.

While bombarding her with questions yesterday about whether she has been to Germany before and she said yes and i asked her about the people and places, she suddenly said,

"You know, i've always thought you'd get married to a German."

Me: "*atifa-like* HAH? REALLY?"

Mum: "Yeah..One whom you'll meet in university or something."

Hehehe i better watch out!

2008-08-10T15:17:00.000+08:00

Taking a break from doing SS. I used to like it because of the teacher, but this year it just started becoming so vague and bland.

Anyway.

EARGHHHHH.

HMMMBSSSHHHAHAHAHAHAAAOUHEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

JSHOJSHOJSHOJSHOJSHOOOOOOOOOOOO.

PSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Spot the non-Bills hehaouhaa.

1.does anyone know your password to your friendster beside yourself?
Uh yeah kinda -_-

2.what was the last thing you order at McDonalds?
Can't remember. I have not been there for a long time.

3.are you an emotional person?
Chyeah. Like, really. I try not to be for unnecessary things though. Although, for the past few weeks, i have been.

4.do you like your name?
Together it's fine, individually.. Too common. I wish my first name was serious's second. Or at least Nadzirah or something.

5.do you believe in love at first sight?
Kind of, when you can sense that you and that special someone have some chemistry thing going on. Other than that.. not really.

6.ever felt jealous of your friend?
*rolls eyes* Do i really have to answer this question? Well, yes. If you must know.

7.what was the last thing you did?
View the myspace account of a certain hottie above. (the non-bill one.) Besides typing out the answer for the question above.

8.who is right next to you?
No one.

9.who were the last person you ate with?
Older brother. Then he left so i ate alone, watching the replay of MAAs.

10.what song are you listening to right now?
Nothing. o_o

Ok since you mentioned it i'm going to play a song now.

11.hows the weather right now?
Very cool. I mean, literally.

12.last person who called you today?
gaspard ulliel. *makes trademark UH UH UH nak terberak punya ketawa sound* (Haha wth aishah hahaha.)

Um.. Nobody. Heh. (This quiz makes me seem like some sad boring person with no life lol)

13.last song you sang?
Uh.. Ich Breche Aus by Tokio Hotel if i'm not mistaken.

14.do you like anyone?
Haha what kind of question is this. 'Course i do.

15.lost a friendship over something stupid?
Kind of. But it wasn't something stupid, it was some relevant. And after trying to make things better after that, she totally cut off ties with me and my other friends so that's not my fault, is it?

16.last beverage you drank?
water

17.last food you ate?
Grandma's chicken rice

18.what did you do last night?
eh.. sleep. Haha.

19.faked being sick to miss school?
..Kind of :s

20.what time did you wake up today?
4am, switched off my handphone's snooze button, and woke up again at 7am, very pissed at myself.

21.last person you talked to?
Ok this sounds scary but i really don't recall. I think my maid.

22.last person you made fun of?
You. So. Don't wanna know. XD

23.what are you wearing now?
A rejected class t-shirt that i was supposed to donate to the Cambodian kids last year but ended up keeping it for myself because it's so baggy and comfy, and blue track pants.

24.are you too quiet to ask anyone out?
Depends. But i'm more inclined to say no. I'm very introverted you know.

25.what is the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Nothing in particular. Unless there's something outstanding about him/her, like a gorgeous face or one which just needs a slap (hahahaha)

26.where are you right now?
parents' room. Comp's here, unfortunately

27.what date and day is it?
Sinday, 10th August 2008

28.did you go anywhere today?
Nay.

30.where else are you going today?
gaspard ulliel's house. then to bill kaullitz house for jamming and then to arashi's house to play bridge and masak-masak together.

you think? (HAHAHAHAHAHHA WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT SERIOUS DUDE?)

I ain't going nowhere. But back to my study table later to finish off that annoying globalisation chapter.

31.are you watching TV?
nope.

32.are you mature or immature?
Both, depending on my mood.

33.are you closer to mom or dad?
mom

34.When was your last kiss?
Never had one.

35.what school do you go to?
tkgs

36.what's the most annoying thing people say to you?
Don't. Effin. Get. Me. Started.

37.do you like music?
yes.

38a).Do you want to get married?
*half smile, half frown* Yea..

38(b).to whom ?
Bill Kaulitz HAHAHAHA!

Ok... I mean, anyone who can understand me, accept me, love me, and stay with me till death.

God i sound so sappy.

39. who are your best friends?
Superhero kids! And Shah.Hehehe.

40. five people to do this?
Anybahdy.

2008-08-08T16:55:00.000+08:00

An (un)apathetic way to be

That guy is from the gay(ish) band Ida introduced me to. And he is very. VERY. Hot.

I really don't know what's up with my fascination for androgynous German guys. Really.

And thanks ida, that song you introduced me to is now permanently stuck in my head. -_-

OH OH OH!!!

The host is so cute slambuh, haha. AND BILL SOUNDS SO ADORABLE AND PUBERTY-ISH.And i am in LOVE when halfway, he stops and looks in the camera and says something AHHHHHHH BILLLLL YOU'RE SO ANNOYING, HALF THE TIME I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BUT I JUST WANNA HUG YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE SO BLOODY ADORABLE.

Haha okay i better stop. I'm beginning to sound like some nauseous people with a lack of vocabulary

So anyways, today was carnival day/ National Day Celebrations. I was of the impression that my parents would be sending me to school in the morning, but apparently not.

So in a hurry, i grabbed the first pair of nice heels i found. Which was, not surprisingly, a very big mistake.

The concert we had at school was alright. I thought besides being too loud the band performed well. And the drama was pretty satirical. Hahaha. So contradictory. Like many things (or people) i know.

Then we had to entertain old people, and i shook hands with them and stuck my head in class for all of five seconds before circling the canteen with Ida (who saved my life by exchanging shoes with me. She loved feeling tall and i loved the fact that my toes had breathing space. ).

Aishah and Atifa's class was so enthu, so they didn't get to follow us. And i'm not sure whether it was before or after i went round the canteen with Ida, but Kapoor brought this gorgeous stick-on tattoo thing she got from India and helped Afiyah and I wear it in the toilet.

And after school we took some pictures and then went to parkway.

Haha we look squashed.

My flower was probably tickling azu, who immediately burst out laughing after that photo was taken.

This photo cracks me up.

"BLUERK!"

"BLUERKEYEARGHHHHH' (and bibah's missing a hand)

My personal fav group pic.

You just gotta clap that coconut head.

I didn't tell anyone this, but to me, Ida looks like a much prettier version of that Rachel person from Batman in this picture HAHAHA

Hah. Hahaha -_-

I have a very odd fascination for this picture.

Trademark face number one.

This photo could make me look very unintentionally horny, but what i was actually trying to make myself not look awful.

TRADEMARK FACE ONE

Aaaaand, the last picture. Post-trademark face two. Until my camera died.

So that's about it. I've successfully gotten myself five blisters on my feet.

And with regards to certain events that have changed my life, i pretty much accept it now.

I realise that perhaps it was what i did that unleashed the evil side of you. And the guilt kills me sometimes. But that doesn't mean you must wallow in it.

But it's okay. Our feelings of not wanting to be associated with each other is mutual. I'm just going to pretend nothing ever happened between us, and that i don't know you.

So really, i hope you do that to me too. If you really don't care, you really wouldn't care that we were standing right beside you, or walking past you. Because you never knew us, and you don't care, and thus, you wouldn't do anything. Stop contradicting yourself.

Time to hit the books

2008-08-04T15:05:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

At last, one whose codes aren't disabled for embedding on your blog.

I LOVE THEIR REACTION WHEN THEY WON THAT AWARD! And if i had watched it last year, i would have said, "Aww crap. Some gay band won. Why not MCR?" But of course that is the last thing i'll say now.

Quite sad because i really like all the bands nominated.I can't believe Tokio Hotel beat Depeche Mode. o_o Depeche mode are awesome. And my favourite band is still MCR.

But so what, if you get to see Bill's reaction? He smiled my goofy smile when he was standing with the microphone in his hand, speechless!!!

ohhh Billllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll (shit i'm feeling all fan-girlish. And also living in the past. That thing was literally one year ago)

Okay back to reality.

By the way, Jared Leto was just ADORABLE in the MAAs.

2008-08-03T04:50:00.000+08:00

Hmm. I really shouldn't be pissing myself off this way. But sometimes, you just can't help feeling like those people in National Geographic or Discovery Channel, who investigate those plane crashes and what caused them.

At least the causes of plane crashes can be found. And at least people can improve on them and make sure they never happen again

One wouldn't think something is the cause of something else based on their own stupid assumptions and false accusations. At least, I don't.

I can never really be in a peaceful state of mind till i find out. Which i won't. Not now, at least.

Oh well. Perhaps i should just bury myself in books and think about my future, rather than people who would ruin it.

But i can safely say that i tried. And i can safely say we all tried to help.

But i suppose certain people find it difficult to care about anybody else but themselves.

My whole life i have had SO many conflicts. But the causes for those conflicts - like causes for plane crashes - were found out.

And i suppose this vagueness is the one that's really keeping me awake at night, really making me daydream in the middle of studying, really eating me up slowly from the inside.

I don't even know why i let it do that. I don't want it to. I don't want to feel this way, damn it.

When i hurt you, i clearly remembered trying to clear things up, so you won't feel any excess emotional baggage.

But you don't care. You don't care a bit.

Because all you care for is yourself.

2008-07-30T19:36:00.000+08:00

I seriously am supposed to be studying or doing something useful in my life now, but let me just say a few more things here before i take a permanent hiatus till after the prelims perhaps

i was listening to this song during recess today, and it reminded me of selfless, caring and beautiful people.

do watch it. the song and visuals are amazing.

and by the way, i went to parkway yesterday to have lunch with my family. then i went to borders, and saw this book called

'God is not great - How religion poisons everything'

I read the reviews, ALL of which were EXTREMELY good.

In my opinion, things like that deserved to be banished from earth.

Downright blasphemy, by OBVIOUS atheists. Go and kill yourself, please.

2008-07-30T17:54:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyxlKVhWfuw

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEE THAT DANCE! (Ps, spoiler alert. It's the new So You Think You Can Dance season)

I wish i can dance like that in school.

But oh well, i've created my own dance moves already *winks at Atifa and Ida*

You know, i feel very cheated. When i saw a classmate eating an ice cream at the bus stop, i was suddenly filled with a very strong CRAVING to buy one.

So i did, then i came home, and then just as i bit into it, the whole cone fell apart. And thus i was forced to quickly bite and lick the chocolate of my fingers.

Damn you suunnnnnnnnnn.

He's so dreamyyyy when he was younger

:D

2008-07-28T11:13:00.000+08:00

One-Eighty By Summer - Taking Back Sunday

I listened to that yesterday, very nostalgically (it was a very sec 2 song), and i got reminded of certain. Things.

But right now, i'm beginning to accept that it's all fate. If i had just gone on living a lie, where would the limit be?

And this may be really painful - I'm not going to pretend - but perhaps it's all for the best. Other people in the world get divorced. How is it that they can come out of it, scarred no doubt, but still being able to survive?

Different wavelengths, that was the problem. There's no doubt that it hurt because it had already run so deep. But now that both parties have already found their allies, i really feel it's better this way.

There's the occasional void that needs to be filled. I felt it just yesterday. But i have so many people backing me up. THEY are the ones who can fill the void.

So, to sum up what the heck i'm trying to say here :

1) I've already accepted it. Moved on? Almost.

2) I want to say a HUGE, LARGE, GARGANTUAN thank you to those who have been my living sanctuaries through this whole thing:

-God.
-My family
- Atifa, Aishah, Ida, Shahirah, Kapoor, Shahiylia. After all that's happened, i love you guys more than ever.
- My classmates who emphatised with me

I hope this is the last i'm going to mention about this problem. Now, on to the prelims.

2008-07-25T17:43:00.000+08:00

ahkehrsfaye.

[On the language barrier] 'Yeah it was really a challenge for me cuz i always sang in german and my english as i said is so bad, and i'm a perfectionist, i really wanted to sound like a native speaker and not a german who tried to speak english *weird hand gestures* ' hehehehehehhe beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel kaulitz.

Not like you're going to watch that video anyway, but oh well. Personal guilty pleasure ;)

Wellzus, i had actually blasted some things before this, but i figured that it really wasn't worth it.

But just to summarise that post though, i'm just appalled at the morals (or rather, severe lack of it) of some people. It's amazing how they can embody everything you told yourself you would never, ever be.

And at least if you were,even for a short period of time, you wouldn't wallow in it and be proud of it.

But oh well. *shrugs* Some people are just born that way, i suppose.

And today, we had this talk and i was wincing at what was being said. Not because i was directly involved, but i found the contents of the talk to be slightly... propaganda-ish. It's more brain-washing than it is sound advice.

They really should have taken in consideration the possibility of there being ___ in the audience.

Okay, back to more tokio hotel youtube-ing! Damn am i obsessed.

2008-07-22T13:37:00.000+08:00

Sooooo. Today's zany parade and i didn't turn up. Gloria called me right after i finished praying in the morning, begging me to come. Haha.

It wasn't worthless, though. I did do some things at home.

And i just realised that somehow, somewhere, and at some point of time, i just gave up.

Well. You brought it on yourself.

2008-07-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

Well, i take it back. All that regret, i mean.

You know, it's one thing to be in the wrong and not know it.

It's another thing to deny your mistakes.

It's a third thing to be supremely self-indulgent.

And, to top the cake, it's a HUGE mistake to be arrogant.

By the way, the devil officially became a fallen angel because of arrogance. And i'm not about to tell that whole Adam and Eve story, because i think you know what i mean.

2008-07-19T16:20:00.000+08:00

Your own victim

I can't carry on like this anymore. Today is the third Saturday in a row which i've spent on emotions.

But I came up with a solution : I'm just going to be frank from now on. Not in-your-face-and- disgustingly- insensitive frank, but frank as in, i'll tell you when you say or do things which affect me.

Because I've already accidentally eliminated someone i care about from my life, or at least it seems like it. I don't want to do that. Not again.

I'm not like this because i want to hurt anyone. Like i've already said, I'm not that inhumane. I don't find pleasure at the expanse of people. The only times i do that is when i truly hate someone.

But i don't hate you. I never did.

So, i'm making a change of heart. Right now. I'll rather be frank and hurt you immediately and then get all those weird feelings over and done with, rather than accumulate it until it drives both you and I insane.

I'm sorry. I really hope that anyone who has encountered this dark side of mine forgives me.

From today onwards, i'm coming clean.

2008-07-16T18:14:00.000+08:00

Muse

Haha my brother.

*Seeing me watch a Tokio Hotel interview, and points to Bill Kaulitz*

Him: Kakak, is that a man or a woman?

Me: -__-" Man. Duh.

Him: Are you serious?

Me: Yes.

Him: Are you really sure? Why does he look so girly? Did he go for a sex change?

Me: NO. -__________________-

Him: Eee. He looks like a faggot.

Me: He's not. He's straight.

And here's proof:

haha. Bill is not your conventional type of hot guy, but i think, for some strange reason, i'm very attracted to him

Hehums.

My VERY square and narrow-minded mother was cursing him when she saw me printing pictures of him.

"...EEE GOD LOOK AT THAT.."

"...IF YOU BRING HOME SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT AH NADIAH, I SWEAR I'LL.."

"YUCK, LOOK AT THAT YANG(my father) LOOK WHAT NADIAH HAS ON THE COMPUTER"
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Whatever.

Anyhoos, i was about to write something very emotional up here but then i watched youtube and i watched BILL(:D) and then i felt better.

Haha.

Tata.

Well actually, before i go, i'll just say a short summary here:

-Perhaps some things are my fault, but other things aren't.
-I didn't want to prolong this feeling, but it is inevitable now.
-I don't expect to be treated like a queen, but i want my existence and presence to at least be ACKNOWLEDGED.
-And other than that, besides feeling a tinge of melancholy and having a whole lot of deep thinking, i really do not know what else to do, or say.

2008-07-14T17:58:00.001+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, the prospect of having a German song in my ipod makes me feel all. Tingly. :D

One thing i'd like to do after the o's : Learn how to speak German.

2008-07-12T18:21:00.000+08:00

Restless

I think i am an introvert.

Yesterday, as i was walking into the school building i saw this friend, whom i am fond of, being dropped off by her mother.

My response? Pretend i didn't see her, look front and nowhere else that may suggest that i may have seen her, and walk quickly into school, and up to my classroom.

Doing that may come across as arrogant,unfriendly and cold. But the truth is, i'm just highly introverted. When i say personal space, i mean personal space. I don't even want anyone i'm close to, except maybe the people in my clique and some other people, coming near me. I just need to be alone.

And then, after school,i went home with ida, seeing that Atifa and Aishah had their oral exam. Ida and i decided to take a different route home, using bus 33 (nostalgic sec 1 days lol). I dropped off at the Kembangan MRT bus stop.

Then, as i was about to alight, i paused. I saw this guy friend of mine outside, directly in front of me. Apparently, even as i stepped out of the bus, he didn't notice me.

I was deliberating between whether i should tap him on the shoulder and say hello, or let it be and walk away.

Sadly, i chose the latter, and walked away quickly, feeling quite appalled with myself.

For the life of me, i could never really understand why i'm like this. I do socialise and I have friends, but out in the open when i'm alone... It's different.

Well, anyways.

Yes, Diy and i have patched up. But i can't deny that there will still be scars. I will move on, but i don't think i will forget.

I never really forget.

This incident has caused me to think a lot about some things.

Why is it that i have to harbour so much unnecessary and unwanted feelings all the time? To the extent that they lap up at me, bit by bit, till one fine day i just explode? Or to the extent that, my perception of some people gets so horribly tainted?

Why is it so hard to confront people immediately when they do things that offend me? Why must i always keep it inside, sweep it under the carpet until the carpet is a mountain?

Why are there so many layers of feelings within me, which obscure the way to finding my core? Who am i, really? My core seems to be so shrouded by all these... these weird feelings.

Oh no, wait a second. Did that sentence just contradict your perception of me? An open book?

2008-07-02T18:13:00.000+08:00

Hurt - Johnny Cash

Today started off fairly well.

On my way to school, i saw a very familiar car, and then i saw a very familiar face(haha) look at me from inside the car. Jo's mum gave me a lift to school.

Before assembly, i met bibah, who looked really sad.

After assembly i walked to someone at the back of my row, seeing i'm not on good terms with someone standing near me.

During maths i was totally focusing, so much that i didn't realise someone had broke one of her stationaries because of anger management issues. And she was glaring at me as well , which i really didn't realise.

History was next. The relief teacher made an attempt to teach. But it was obvious not many were listening. I was also talking to Kapoor.

I was quite calm during malay as well. I was actually quite proud of myself for scoring in this part of a test paper which i usually never do well in.

And then, there was recess.

Slacked in the NP room with Serious and Tips. The rest of the squad came not much later. Talked outside the NP room.We were quite unhappy with some changes that had taken place after we had the Passing Out Parade.

And then, there was Bio.

Sam, who was in my banded bio class, told me certain people had lost their composure during
recess. Shah told me other shocking things about certain people as well.

Well truth be told, my hands were really cold after that. I was panicking. I decided to make things clear by writing a note, which i thought would salvage the situation.

And, as expected, it didn't.

During english i was being screamed at by someone who isn't my teacher, and in front of the whole class at that. Things just started spinning out of control from then on.

It was all confusion, misunderstanding, and tears.

And the teacher, who was confused about the whole thing herself, tried hearing both sides of the story.

It took the whole english period. I apologised to my teacher for wasting her time.

Chem,cried till my eyes were swollen.

Do you really want to know what it's like being hurt? It accumulates like fats, and i'm sorry for the lack of good analogies. It happens everyday. And those doing it to you, they don't realise it. I don't really take note of when i eat chocolates and when i don't.

Like fats, it's my fault for me not losing weight. Similarly, it's my fault for not saying it on the spot. I guess i should really reconsider the way i bottle up feelings. But that doesn't make anybody else less wrong.

Look here, i feel as cheated as you do, ok?

Why is it that many people i run into get angry/pissed at me whenever i do things, and refuse to look into their own faults?Is it an ego problem? Human nature perhaps? Why must I always be the one running around, fussing, making sure things are alright? I'm sick of doing it. I have my own pride too. And this is the last straw.

So, my initial plans of just being civil have backfired. Most of these kinds of confrontations just backfire eventually.

I think i've made some mistakes, but i'm not the one totally at fault here.

So anyway, that formed the gist of the day. Nothing much happened after that, save for maybe those throbbing headaches you get if you think too deeply about something, and swollen eyes which still hurt.

And thanks to some of my classmates. I really appreciate it.

I just took three of those panadol-like pills, the ones i took excessively before my Malay O'levels. Just an amusing memory. I unknowingly could've killed myself that day.

2008-06-28T14:58:00.000+08:00

I just finished my testimonial. No, crapped through, more like.

I really, really don't know what to say about myself -_-

By the way, i've been wanting to post a few things up here but i forgot.

1)

You must, MUST watch this movie! I LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT! Even though it gave me a major migraine when i watched it at night during the holidays and thus i couldn't study -__-

But that was only because it was a movie taken from this character's video camera, and when they were running the camera just moves all over the place.

But i love it- The concept, plot, ending. Very, very gripping. And quite scary too, because the whole time i was imagining what i would do if something similar happened to me.

2) I actually wanted to type something but i forgot -_- oh well on to three

3) Haha, right after finishing my testimonial draft i decided to go to facebook for a while and check out one group Kapoor told me she joined.

" I Farted And it sounded Just like the Jonas Brothers

Global
Information
Basic Info

Type:
Common Interest - Beliefs & Causes

Description:
We are a group that enjoys REAL MUSIC unlike the shitty Jonas Brothers.Personally I really don't like the Jonas Brothers and I'm sick of all these girls falling all over themselves saying they are so good when they're not.I can't even believe their music is popular.

With their 1 chord riffs and shitty so called "solos" that anyone who's never touched a guitar could do, why are they still selling albums. The fact of the matter is. They suck. The inability of people these days to recognize true musical talent astounds me. Auto tune technology seems to have singlehandedly ruined the music industry.Disney Records SUCKS. "

Thanks for telling me about it Kapoor, i'm joining this group. NOW.

2008-06-28T13:11:00.001+08:00

I'm supposed to be doing my testimonial now.

No, i'm actually supposed to be studying.

-_-.

Nevermind. Can (and will) do all that later.

So term 3 has started, the most infamous term for the secondary fours because it is the term where we must

"Really concentrate"

and

"Really get into revision mode".

Which, i swear i really wouldn't mind if we didn't have to STAY BACK IN SCHOOL EVERY SINGLE DAY.

How the heck are we supposed to consolidate our own revision? EVERY DAY we stay back, and we come home late and then we're supposed to study again? I always resolve to do that but end up sleeping (VERY unintentionally. Many times, it's one of those 'i-already-set-my-handphone-alarm-clock-to-ring-in-ten-minutes-time' cases. Then i get into this weird world, where i see totally random things, then i wake up to find that it's the next morning already and someone mysteriously switched off the snooze button on my handphone.).

Garh. I. Am. In. Need. Of. More. Time.

We have BARELY three months left to that dreaded exam, by the way. I have the countdown written on the whiteboard beside my table. Better to give yourself wake up calls than to live in your own disillusional world.

Yesterday was quite an interesting day.

Morning, started with PE. Since Napha's not very far from now, we had to run three rounds. Me, being me, and a friend, decided to cheat and eventually only ran two rounds. (Halfway i found out that i wore my shorts the other way round -_-)

Then we took height and weight and i was appalled. I shrunk by half a centimetre (every millimetre counts!) and i am still gargantuan. One of my resolutions after the O's, is to go to the gym like i go to school everyday.

And then had lessons and after school IR, and then we had the official Passing Out Parade (POP). I screwed up because i was nervous when my name was being called out.

Then after that we chilled at the bubble tea shop and played cards. I really will miss my squadmates. And NPCC in general. It's one of those things which you think you hate but in the end you grow to love it. And as much as it is a 'tough' CCA, there are sentimental attachments.

This whole week, I've been feeling awkward around certain people. They're so dense to not be able to get some of my signals. Hmm, and i thought that only those who didn't do well in their studies were the 'dense' ones? -_-

But nevermind. I'm not going to be close, neither am i going to drift apart from certain people. I suppose i'll just be civil.

And i'll get back at them in ways that won't harm my morals. Unlike them, i'm not going to compromise my morals for ANYTHING. I'll leave the revenge part to God, for only He knows how much i have suffered.

2008-06-22T14:57:00.000+08:00

and, i'm finally done with all those crazy tests.

*breathes a huge sigh of relief and... pats chest softly five times* -_-

you know, i love maths but i hate it when i don't get the answer. I get really, really angry for some reason.

and my conscience won't be clear. Like something else (hint: toilet paper)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And school starts tomorrow, and i'm very unprepared, and my homework isn't complete, and my studies are still in shambles, and i want revenge.

A few days ago i was appearing offline and doing my heymaths benchmark tests when bibs came online. I told her about certain conceited people and i was so amused at how many 'wtf's there was in that convo HAHAHAHA

i mean, what is up with making yourself seem superior all the time to somebody else by bragging?

also, maybe for the olevels i'm just going to distance myself from some people.not ditch,just slowly drift apart.

because really, the last thing i need to take a big exam are people trying to bring me down.

and i'm seriously not going waste my energy being bothered by these kinds of people (and in some cases even their parents, who are plotting your downfall so their kids can beat you), because i swear the only RETARDED thing people do is to compromise their morals for freakin good results.

i'm not saying bad results are acceptable, but neither is insensitivity and self-indulgence.

so if you ask me if i could choose between bad morals and good results, or good morals and bad results, i'll choose the latter hands down.

anyway,

Four jobs I’ve had
- brides maid (erase your mental image. i was only 7!)
-librarian (during CIP)
-performer
-student -_-

Four movies I can watch over and over
-WHITE CHICKS! definitely. guan ta la meh la doesn't ever fail to crack me up
-stardust
-spongebob squarepants
-iron man

Four of my favorite songs
i only have one, and that is Just For Now by Imogen Heap. Amazing song.

Four of my favourite food
-CHOCOLATE
-grandmother's dendeng ayam
-ice cream
-Famous Amos no nut chocolate chip

Four people i feel sorry to
-parents mainly, for being such a great letdown

Four bottles of perfume I own
only one and hahaha i can't even remember the name -_-

Four things i bring around in my bag
school bag?
-books
-pencilbox
-school reflections book
-certain.. feminine things *goofy grin*

Four places I’ve vacationed
-Amsterdam
-Japan
-Malaysia
-London

Four places I want to vacation
-Venice (haha zomgsh atifa me too!)
-GERMANY
-Russia
-Somewhere i can find peace and happiness

Four of my favorite drinks
-milo!
-coffee
-coke
-plain water

Four sites I visit daily
well technically speaking, i don't. not daily at least. -_-

Four of my recent purchases
oh God. I don't remember o_o

Four places I would rather be right now
Only one- in the toilet. I have to go!

Four bloggers I am tagging
anybody who wants to do :)

2008-06-13T14:38:00.000+08:00

oh my God.

HORROR.

I just stepped on the weighing machine.

2008-06-11T16:13:00.001+08:00

Strange happenings part 1.

I'll make this really quick because

- My mother/maid/brother(go figure) will kill me if they find me here.
- I'm not done with my work! OR, ten hours of studying. (something my dear maths teacher suggested and i'm trying to put it into action. partially because i want to do well for the O's, and partially because i want to see how long my concentration span REALLY is.)

Anyhoo.

Strange things started happening since last tuesday (shall blog about that another time), but today's strange happening was especially. strange.

Or to be more specific...... creepy.

I was doing chem, and was having this terrible, terrible craving for Chocolate McVities Digestive biscuits,so i decided to go to the shop to get some as a break.I didn't wear my spectacles because i didn't feel like it.

I cycled there, and about three-quarters of the way, i braked hard, mouth agape.

It was him. HIM. That digusting, repulsive, vomit-inducing, MAT who stalked me before. He spun around and saw me as well.

I wasn't wearing spectacles, nor was i wearing my contacts, but i recognised him anywhere. He was wearing the same long-sleeved blue shirt that he wore when he approached (for lack of a better word) me.

So i cycled in a totally different direction and there was this makcik in front of me walking and i uttered a curse word under my breath (out of shock) and hoped she didn't hear.

I cycled all the way home, and told my maid and brother what happened. My craving was terrible, and i didn't want to let any disgusting cheekopeks prevent me from getting my chocolate.

They both didn't want to follow me. My maid suggested waiting a while longer so he could completely disappear, but i was desperate. I NEEDED CHOCOLATE!!!

So, as a last resort, i told them that i was going to disguise myself, by wearing a cap and very, very thick eyeliner. They couldn't stop me.

In the middle of putting on eyeliner, my maid gave in and told me to write down what i wanted so she could buy it for me.

She did, and my lust (for food) was satisfied. :D Thank God.

It would have been cooler though, if i could go there myself again, in my disguise, to get the chocs. I wonder if he'll notice me.

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I'll feel extremely hurt, angry, and cheated. I'll cry my eyes out and first ask myself what I did to make him betray me. Then if i find out if he was the one in the wrong, I'll bear a permanent grudge against him and wish him and his new girlfriend a horrible death.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaah. XD

#2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Well, for now.... Good O Level results. But generally, I'd say to lose weight, to have a good balance in life, and for happiness.

#3. What will your dream wedding be like?
I don't care, really. The only dream wedding is getting married to someone i truly love.

#4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Donate some, put some in my bank, spend some, give some to my family, and START A FREAKIN' CHOCOLATE FACTORY :D

#5. What's your ideal lover like?
Romantic, accepts and loves me, has a sense of humour, understanding, laughs a lot (lol)

#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
For now...Being loved by someone.

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
God chooses, not me.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Be reallyyyyyyyyyyyy jealous, but still secretly like the person haha. (But knowing me... 'Secretly' is quite impossible)

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes, plenty actually. But i won't say here.

#10. What is the worst you've ever felt these days?
Does an inferiority complex count?

#11. What cheers you up the fastest?
CHOCOLATE!!!!!

unless... I'm in the mood for savoury stuff....

But food, in general, yeah.

#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time?
I've no idea! All i know is i'm going to streak my hair pink after secondary school, because my mother allows it!!! :D (Haha so off topic)

#13. Who is currently the most important people to you?
Family, friends.

#14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Nobody tagged me! But i got it from tips's blog. Tips is aweeeeeeeeeeeeesome.

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
MARRIED BUT POOR! Definitely. I'd rather suffer with a loved one than be blessed with nobody to share it with

#16. What's the first thing you do every morning?
Drink looooooooooooooooooooots of water.

#17. Would you give all in a relationship?
All within my control, yes.

#18. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
You know, when this sort of thing happens in real life, it's with a real person and a celebrity hahahahaha.

But if it were two 'real' people, i really don't know. Like i said, God chooses, not me. My fate is cast in stone, can't do nuts bout it

#19. What type of friends do you like?
Those who support me, make me feel better when i need it, and accept me even though i'm a nutcase

The 8 people who will be tagged are;
I don't know! Anyone i guess :)

AAAAAAAAAAND back to chemistry.

Goodday.

2008-05-27T13:10:00.000+08:00

There's this feeling which has been bothering me since i was, i dunno, five?

But it never actually intensified till puberty struck.

And for the past few weeks, it has resurrected and reared its VERY ugly head again.

And for the past few days, i've been feeling as though my body has been..Engulfed by this feeling.

I sound like a victim of counselling now, don't i?

-_-

Well just so you know, i've been feeling this particular..feeling, many more times this year than any other year in secondary school. I can never understand why.

Aishah's theory is that we're too stressed that it 'triggers other hormones'? Perhaps.

But oh well. -_- I guess i'll just have to ____________________________________________ nyehehehe

So, i practically ransacked my cupboard for something decent to wear for the band concert which is coming soon. (ehem, i have lots of clothes but can't wear most of them. uh, i WONDER why's that. .-.)

In the end, i found something decent to wear! I don't mean to boast but i think it's really awesome :D (well, knowing me, you'd know what's my definition of 'really nice'. PS: ida says i'm 'scene' not 'emo' hahahahahha -_-)

The only small, tiny, miniscule, microscopic problem though, is that i look like this wearing it

And no, i'm not exaggerating.

And now, i'm probably going to get so depressed because of how i look and thus, the vicious cycle which has plagued my (almost) sixteen years of living

It is so very ironiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccccccccccccc

I told my mother about Aishah and Ida's plan to jog everyday in school, be it recess or after school, and that i'm following them.

"Mama, my friends who are slim but think they are fat want to jog everyday at school, so i'm following them."

"What?? You see! People who are slim want to run, and my fat daughter doesn't even do anything!"

"-________________________________________-"

pffffffffft damn you food. Why, WHY, must i love you so much?

I mean, living without chocs is like living without... without no air. *starts singing jordin sparks and chris brown song*

-________________________________________-

stupid weight issues. If only i'd just LISTEN to mum when i was young, and not give the excuse that (this is something to do with that feeling above)

pffffffffffft.

okay i shall stop my vomit-enducing whinings and self-pitying here and do something bout it. Good day y'all.

Oh and by the way.... BoyslikeGirls did a cover of a Frou Frou song HAHAHAHAHA

and here's the *beats chest five times and clears throat* original version. Seriously, i don't hate boyslikegirls, it's just that nobody can cover Imogen Heap. Nobody.

2008-05-25T13:53:00.000+08:00

Your Mind is 89% Cluttered

Your mind is incredibly cluttered. You have so much going on in there, it's hard to think straight.

Consider talking to a therapist. It's a good idea to sort through your thoughts, if only to see which ones are worth hanging on to.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

I'm feeling quite insulted about this particular thing that happened, even though i know i shouldn't. But i just can't help it.

I hate people thinking i'm a retard, but i also hate them thinking 'oh she's just another one of those who can't make it; let's not waste time on her' and then disregard me completely.

And diyana told me something during English IR yesterday, which struck me. Sorry diy, but I don't think i'll ever completely forgive those who have wronged me, even though my wounds have healed and all that remains are scars.

But don't worry, I'll channel all this hate and anger into something positive.

2008-05-18T05:05:00.000+08:00

I give up on my plan of sleeping in the afternoon and waking up at night to study till the wee hours of the morning.

This is because:

By the time i'm awake to study, everyone will be sleeping, and it sometimes scares me shitless.
I somehow achieve less than i want to at night.
I sleep through my dinner time, and thus i don't eat dinner. Which makes me very hungry.
The silence of the night time is something i love, because it is the time i reflect about my life and think about things which i don't think about during the day time.
However, this is a nuisance because i get all this random,unnecessary thoughts and emotions which i don't want to be thinking or feeling.

And my thoughts have been revolving around this one particular thing this someone has said, which was extremely tactless, and had all its negative implications.

You know, I can't stand it when people look at me like i'm some kind of retard from hell.

I mean, not meaning to sound arrogant, but if i WERE a retard from hell, i wouldn't even be in this school, damn you.

So maybe i don't blame you for thinking i'm a retard from hell.The decisions i have made for the past one year and three months have been pretty retarded.

I mean, being bothered by things is something which is in your control. Getting bothered by self-induced feelings and depression and self-induced problems is indeed, retarded.

But the way you look at me, like i'm not worth your time, it really bothers me. (And in this case, i don't really think it's very much in my control.)

So i reiterate that my DECISIONS are retarded. But i don't think i'm intellectually deficient.

I'm just stating my opinion here: I do NOT think that bad grades in our school is due to intellectual deficiency. I know supremely intelligent people who have wasted their potential and thus, the bad grades. But are they lacking intelligence? The answer is smacking- in- the- face obvious - NO.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to state that i'm intelligent or anything, because i myself believe i'm average, or only slightly above average and i don't come close to being a genius at all.

But to just look down on me and think i'm a retard - Actions speaks so much louder than words, so it doesn't matter if it isn't being said - is just unacceptable.

I've talked to some people about this, and some have told me to look at the glass half full. I've improved and that is solid proof that i'm not retarded.

So, if you're going to call me a retard, or think it, or have body language where it is written all over, I confess. I can't take it.

But now, it's not a matter of not being able to take it anymore.

Now, i WON'T take it. Got that?

2008-05-13T22:20:00.001+08:00

Got back three papers today, and for once in my life i can say that i'm somewhat proud of them.

History-Improved, and not a bad mark.

Amaths-Improved, actually missed an A by one mark and was really irritated, until i found out that i had to get some more marks deducted due to careless mistakes -_- oh well, i'm fine with it.

Emaths - Like english, i'm not jumping for joy about it, but it's satisfying enough. Although, like history, i missed a higher grade by one mark.

Which is one of those things that really riles me up.

I'm not overjoyed about my results or anything, but i noticed a few positive changes; I've passed some subjects which i've been failing consistently and improved in almost all the subjects.

And it feels good to feel good for once and not so negative o_o honestly, if there's one thing i lacked since last year, it was this feeling.

I'm going to try to achieve something everyday. This way, i will feel better about myself. Few things feel better than achieving your personal goals, actually.

And i can't bear the thought of the O's happening in less than half a years' time.... But i won't think about it.

2008-05-12T08:10:00.000+08:00

OH. MGOD.

* squeals* *rolls on bed* *drops on the floor* *rolls on the floor* *bangs into nearby table*

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAAAAAAAWTTTTTTTTT.

THE HAIR! THE DUDE! THE SCENERY! AND. THE VOIIIIIIICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD

AND ROBERT PATTINSON IS NOT BREATH-TAKINGLY GORGEOUS BUT HE HAS THIS AURA OF HANDSOMENESS [?] AND OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD

i simply cannot wait for it to come out.

THREE DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY TOO!! :O *hints at everyone*

2008-05-11T11:19:00.000+08:00

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING?
4am. Was supposed to wake up at 3am. (i slept at 9pm.) But then, i felt lazy and slept all the way till 7am, waking up only to switch off my handphone snoozing. -_-

I am such a pig.

2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?
I like bling.

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
IRON MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! KICKED ASSSSSSSSS MOVAYYYYY :O

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOW?
Those weird ones on MTV, and pretty much anything else. I don't stick to any specific show.

5. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
Anything my maid cooks.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
If my full name was included.... Ameerah?

7. WHAT FOOD DO YOU DISLIKE?
I don't. Know. o_o

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CD?
My Chemical Romance all the way :D

9. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
I don't drive.

10. FAVOURITE SANDWICH?
I like tuna :D

11. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE?
There are a lot of things i hate, truth be told.

12. FAVOURITE ITEM OF CLOTHING?
Hoodie! Though i only own one, which is so thick i can only use it in winter countries ):

13. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? nowhere. i love home :D

14. WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
pinkish, beigish, brownish.

15. FAVOURITE BRAND OF CLOTHING?
none really.

16. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
Somewhere isolated.

18. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH?
TABLE TENNIS!! and soccer. RONALDO KICKS ASS IN SCORING GOALS

19. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS?
i ain't sending nothing to nobody

20. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
nobody sent this, i copied it from serious's blog.

21. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST?
i told you, nobody's sending anything o_o

22. FAVOURITE SAYING?
'When you want something badly, the whole world will conspire to give it to you'- a certain malay teacher XD

23. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
10 days before christmas :D (and ten days older than serious)

24. ARE YOU A MORNING OR NIGHT PERSON?
NIGHT! i hate mornings. I hate the alarm clock shrieking in my ear, i hate checking the clock constantly to see if i'm late for school, i hate having long, draggy lessons at school, i hate it.

I love the night. it's so silent.

25. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE?
Let's just say it's above the average size :)

26. PETS?
13 cats. or was it 12? never mind.

27. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH US?
...No.

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
a singer XD

29. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
quite alright, but very restless.

30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CANDY?
I'm more of a chocolate person.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FLOWER?
roses.

32. WHAT IS A DAY ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO?
the end of o levels.

33. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
not typing it out hereeee :D

34. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
'Let Go'- Frou Frou (Imogen Heap's ex-band)

35. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
chocolate, then chocolate biscuits. and i didn't eat lunch after that, HAH

36. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
i pray to God.

37. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Black or pink. depending on my mood.

38. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
Neither hot nor cold... somewhere in between.

39. FAVOURITE SOFT DRINK?
Sprite and kickapoo

40. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT?
swensens

41. SIBLINGS?
an older bro and a younger bro.

42. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
none.

43. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD?
barbie dolls, lol.

44. WINTER OR SUMMER?
Winter. But it's very irritating when you get your mensus during winter. (Haha sorry for the randomness, it's just that i keep getting it when i'm in winter countries ._.)

45. HUGS OR KISSES?
*smiles my weird smile* ..both?

46. COFFEE OR TEA?
COFFAYYYYY

47. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
CHOCOLATE. duh?

48. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Not cried but teared. Anyway i don't feel like saying it here.

49. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
my maid's mattress.

50. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST?
technically speaking, diyana. I've known her since kindergaten and we went to the same primary school and the same secondary school and now the same class. Hahaha.

51. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
I was so very annoyed at my mother that i went to sleep. I went jogging anyway, which was somehow very tiring.

52. FAVOURITE SMELL?
That fresh, cool, air after rainy days.

53. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
God, death, loneliness, being alone, (sometimes) the dark

54. SAVOURY OR SWEET?
BOTH!!!!! Yes, tell me i'll die of diabetes and high blood pressure. You're not the first to do so

55. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEYRING?
I don't know.

56. HOW MANY YEARS AT YOUR CURRENT JOB?
about 13 years. I'm a student :)

57. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
weekdays

58. HOW MANY TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN?
one.

59. DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY?
I'm okay at it.

60. HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL YOU SEND THIS TO?
THERE WILL BE NO SENDING OF ANYTHING.

---------------

WEEEEEEELLLLLLL,

the mid year results.

Eng - I'm not jumping for joy about it, but it's satisfying enough.

SS- I hope Rlo dies a terrible death. Hahah okay, i won't be so horrible.

Chem - Expected. But at least i improved. It's still a pathetic mark, nevertheless.

Bio - I PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD. But not great. But i finally passed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND i have to go now.

Good day.

2008-05-01T13:02:00.000+08:00

Haha, i'll be honest.

I've been staring at my blogging space for a while now, thinking about something to say.

But don't get me wrong, there are THOUSANDS of things i COULD blog about. But it ends there. I can't type it out.

I don't know if it's because it's too personal, or that i'm just bored of blogging, or any other reason.

Well, anyway.

These past few days i've been in an inexplicable weird mood. Not exactly bad mood, more like serious. (Haha, i've got to give it to you aishah dude. Being serious is quite fun :D)

I still do laugh normally, and talk normally, but i'm...brooding more.And i'm always in deep thought and getting depressed sometimes about the silliest things.

I shouldn't entertain negative thoughts. But i can't help but be worried about my future. It's really beginning to get to me, as in, REALLY. While everyone else is relaxing and chilling after the mid years, here i am wondering what to do next.

And i have to do well for the prelims. That's something i can't forgive myself for if not accomplished.

And after my teachers went through papers like Amaths and Emaths, i realise that once again, i want to kick myself in the ass.

Amaths might be quite challenging, but it's do-able if you DID study properly and know your stuff. Which i uh, DIDN'T??? (-_-)

And emaths seems difficult, i realise, because we're trained to think so complicatedly in Amaths that it's so difficult to revert back to thinking simply. THE QUESTIONS WERE EASY, IF I HAD JUST HAD THAT 'SIMPLE FRAME OF MIND' BEFORE THE EMATHS EXAM.

A BIG FAT

-___________________-"

to the mid years.

and that's why i'm saying now, though i highly doubt the prelims are any easier, i must MUST do well. and i define well by the L1R5 range of 6-18.

ARGHH. i'm feeling so many peoples' expectations being pinned on me and here i am, with only so much i can give, and if that fails then i fail and then i fail my parents and my family and myself.

it's so...hard....

):

2008-04-27T06:05:00.000+08:00

shit. i've put on the three kgs i've lost this year.

garhhh.

ANYWAY.

MID YEARS ARE OVER.

:D

Some papers like (surprisingly) bio was okay, but it's one of those papers where the F9 students will hope to pass, the C6 students will get B4s, and the B3 students will get A1s.

-_-

but i can't tell really. i just hope i pass. for once in my wretched life. eurgh.

Others were either killer papers or difficult papers. Killer papers consisted of chem and Emaths. To hell with the excuse of 'lack of practice'. Even the 'sufficient practice' given to us in class were not half as difficult as the exam papers.

I won't do extremely well, i know. But i just hope to improve for now.

And i'm planning not to stop studying, though of course not as pressurising as exam studying.

Yesterday after the exams, we chilled at PP before going to Tipa's house to watch this amazing love movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (nothing sappy or sexual or disgustingly lovey-dovey, it was truly not your typical type of love story)

And this may sound random but i hate it when people falsely assume that other people are not intelligent just because they have not been doing well. I'm not going to elaborate further; I'm sick of it.

Last night i just got news that this friend of mine is suffering from this terrible, terrible auto-immune disease (meaning, own body against ownself and there's no cure) and it's a slow deteriorating process and she might just. succumb.

And i felt absolutely miserable for a long time because

1) Nobody needs that kind of thing, especially when it's during the Olevel year

2) That person is nice. Why in the world would God give her such a test?

3) People like that don't seem to be giving up and people like me with everything i have give up easily. Shame on me.

Nothing i say or do will make her feel better, but she'll always be in my prayers

like everything else around me. I just hope and pray things get better.

and thank you atifa for putting 'speeding cars' on your blog! Now i'm a huge fan of Imogen Heap. She looks damn girly in that video, wtf androgynous -_-

2008-03-28T12:05:00.000+08:00

Haha you know, i think gushing ABOUT a star is fine.

Gushing in FRONT of him though, isn't.

And being me, that's exactly what i did.

:\

Here's what happened.

After remedial a few days ago, i wanted to go home.

So i made my way outside school, where i met Priyanka at the traffic light. Aishah was waiting for me at the bus stop.

While making our way to the 135 bus stop, Priya and I discussed our mid year exam preparations (or to be more specific, the lack of it :s ).

We were walking past the normal shops we take for granted everyday- La Point, the durian stall, and...the new Pakistan/Indian (?) food stall that just opened.

And that's when something caught my eye.

His back was turned to me. His hair was long-ish, almost shoulder length.He was wearing black. And he looked really skinny.

I remember myself thinking how skinny he was and why the hell are boys getting skinnier nowadays.

And then he turned.

And looked at me directly in the eye.

Me: *Stops, stares, and jaws drop (probably quite obviously)* Oh. My God.
Priya: o_o?
Me: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOOODDDD *runs to bus stop and ditches Priya temporarily*

-At bus stop-
Serious Black(Aishah) was leaning against the advertisement, stoning.

Me: OH MY GOD AISHAH, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, I JUST SAW PAUL TWOHILL.
Aishah: *smiles slightly* I know. I saw him also.
Me: *Continues bouncing and squealing retardedly, and that was when i realised i was exposed.* *turns to Paul Twohill's direction. He was smiling at me -_-* *hides behind the advertisement and bounces more, nearly pushing Aishah to the road and killing her in the process (haha, sorry dude)*

Just then, i saw Diy walking to the bus stop. So i ran to her, squealing. (mind you, Paul Twohill could hear/see whatever i was saying/doing)

Me: DIYANAAAA! DIYANA!!!!!!!!!!
Diyana: (who already knew from atifa and syaf) I KNOWW! I KNOWWW!
Me and Diyana: *Squeal and run to the bus stop, hiding from him behind the advertisement again.*

-At the bus stop part 2-
Me: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I WANT A PICTURE OR AUTOGRAPH MAN, DIY.
Diy: YEAH ME TOO.
Aishah and Priya: -___________________-"
Priya: Haha look at me, i don't care.
Aishah: Yeah. He's like, so yesterday.
*Diyana and I ignore them*

Me: I WANT A PICTURE!
Diy: ME TOO!
Me: BUT HOW??? SO EMBARRASSING!
Diy: YEAH.

*goes on like this for about 10 tens before making our decision*

So Diy and I make my way to him, giggling and smiling like bimbotic retards.

Me: Very embarrassing man.
Diy: YOU THINK?

-WHEN WE FINALLY TALKED TO HIM :D-
Diy: *smiling and giggling* Uh, Paul, can we have a picture?
Me: *trying my best to hold back my laughter because Diy was so selambe and sounded pretty bimbo (haha no offense diy) and i was also very nervous*
Paul.T: HEY! NO PROBLEM! *points to friend, who's botak.* You want this one? He's also a bachelor.
P's friend: -_- *takes diy's handphone to take a picture of us*
Paul T, Diy and I: *smiles and have our picture taken*
Me: *tugs at skirt because I was scared that it was lifted up..in front of Paul.* *Paul holds his hand out to me* *Me: =O* *Shakes hand*
Paul: *shakes diy's hand*
Me: *was so happy, i think i was bouncing and dropped my water bottle*
Paul:*Picks it up for me*
Me: OH MY GOD, THANK YOU THANK YOU =D=D=D=D

Haha. So loser. -_________-

----------

ANYWAY. Before i take a long hiatus till maybe until after mid year (it's in 18 days and i haven't fugging started =] ), here's something:

1.How tall are you? I want to bite the person who rounded my 169.9cm to 169cm -_-
Around there, yeah.

2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship? Never had a relationship in the first place. =) Anyway if i did, no darling, that's just vile.

3. Do you own a gun? Nah. I'd love one, though.

4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be? Oh, but i already do. At least, it feels like it. Manic depressive disorder, a little bipolar, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

5. How many letters are in your crush's name? Don't have one.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Hahahaha. Jacob Black XD

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? All i want for christmas is you -MCR. Gee's voice is cool.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? MILOOOOOOOOO. Or coffee.

9. Do you do push-ups? Yeah, during NPCC parades. At least i attempt to.

10. Have you ever done ecstasy? Haha naw.

11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? nay.

12. Do you like the rain? YES, very much. I love the freshness of the air after the rain. I love the broody aura it gives, and the black clouds and the thunder. I especially love it when i'm at home and sleeping when it's raining. It's beautiful :D

13.Do you own a knife? Of course! *evil grins*

14. What do you smell like? Most of the time, sweat. I rain sweat everyday, sometimes even in air-conditioned rooms.

15. Do you have A.D.D.(Attention Deficit Disorder)? Uh. Sometimes?

16. Full initials? N.A.B.K

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1) Why the hell am i on the computer when i have a gazillion homework to do by TOMORROW and mid year is in 18 days
2)I'm missing this someone to death
3)-

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today:
1)Chocolate Oreo bubble tea
2)My correction tape refill
3)Chocolate cake with cream during recess

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink, in order most to least.
1) WATER
2) Milo
3)Nescafe coffee
4)Milo Oreo bubble tea
5)Chocolate Orea bubble tea

20. What time did you wake up today? 5am. But i slept from 8.45pm the day before -_-. God, i'm such a pig.

21. Can you spell? Ok ah.

22. Current worry? What my L1R5 for the mid years will be, whether i'll FINALLY pass some subjects, when am i going to get my FAT ASS OFF THE COMP AND START MUGGING

23. Favorite place to be? Anywhere alone. I like being alone. Gives me time to reflect.

24. Least favorite place to be? In crowded places. I hate people who ignore me when i say 'excuse me' to them a billion times. And when they FINALLY move, they don't even say sorry. What a rude bunch of asses.

25. Where would you like to go? Nowhere in particular. Especially not... London ):

26. Do you own slippers? Lol duh.

27. What do you think you'll be? I want to be a teacher, actually. Though my parents highly disapprove. -_-

28. Do you burn or tan? ..Both?

30.Yellow or blue? Blue and yellow (: *starts singing the The Used song*

31. Would you be a pirate? Heha. Can ;)

32.Last time your cell rang? Around 6 plus. Friend wanted to ask how much my mother charged for teeth whitening. Lol.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever's playing on the ipod amplifier. Mostly from my 'recently played' list.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Haha, i swear my old house was haunted, and i'll see this floating green shirt with an eerie glow around it almost every night. Then i'll just stare at it, wondering if that was the 'ghost' my maid was referring to, to get us to sleep. (turns out she was just making us scared to make us sleep. But i swear i saw that thing!!!)

35. What's in your pockets right now? Nothing.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? I went home with Shahiylia, and it was raining and we had to go through these two big puddles of water, and we were laughing and screaming because we couldn't find a short cut -_- HAHAHAHA. And i dropped my school badge because i was laughing too hard, and i put my umbrella down and the rain drenched the left side of my uniform.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? I love all my bed sheets! I still have em. Heart shaped and pink. NYEHEHEHEHEHEE.

38. Worst injury you've ever had? I can't remember. Probably when i was trying to scare my grandmother's maid by jumping out from underneath the table, and i didn't know she was boiling water and my upper right arm touched the metal of the boiling thing

39. What is your GPA(Grade Point Average)? Next question.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Uh. four?

41. Who is your loudest friend? I think i am the loudest. Heha.

42. Who is your most silent friend? I'm not sure... Everyone speaks.

43. Does someone have a crush on you? Nah. And judging by what usually happens, it probably will never happen.

44. Do you wish on stars? I pray to God.

45. What is your favorite book? Don't really read books until i have ample time... I hate how long i take to read them and usually give up halfway

46. What song did you last hear? Under Pressure by The Used and MCR.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night? Sleeping. Like a pig.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Fuck. I overslept. Again.

51. Does anyone know your password to your email? Unfortunately, yes. -_-

52. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds? I swear i can't remember.

53. Are you an emotional person? Hell yeah -_- TOO much sometimes. I want to be stone cold. Life would be so much easier.

54. Do you like your school? No.

55. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not..really.

56. Ever felt jealous of your friend? Yea.

57. What was the last thing you did? Doing this quiz.

58. Who is right next to you? The wall.

59. Who was the last person you ate with? My family.

60. What song are you listening to right now? Kill All Your Friends - MCR

61. How's the weather right now? Okay :)

62. Last person who called you today? Su Lynn.

64. Last song you sang? Uh, i think Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap. Was listening to her.

65. Last time you danced? Sports Day mass dance practice for P.E today in the hall.

66. Lost a friendship over something stupid? Uhuh. Many times.

67. Last thing you ate? BRIYANI! It was delicious.

68. Been really depressed before? UM, DUH????

69. Faked being sick to miss school? No. Mum will kill me.

70. What time did you wake up today? Haha repeated question XD

71. Current taste? I love chocolate.

72. Who is the person that posted this survey?Tique.

73. What are you wearing right now? A shirt and track pants.

74. Are you too shy to ask anyone out? Somewhat.

75. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Nothing much.

76.Where are you right now? Home.

77. What date and day is it? 27 March, 2008, Thursday.

78. Did you go anywhere today? School. Then the bubble tea shop, then the mrt, then back to PP because my mum had to do something, then my grandmother's house, then home.

79. What did you do there? Lol.Many,many things. XD

80. How old are you? 15 years, 3 months and 12 days.

81. Are you mature or immature? Both.

82. Do you call your parents by their first name? NO.

83. Are you an only child? I have two brothers.

84.Where do you go shopping? PP, most of the time. But other places too.

85. Do you like where you work? I don't work.

86. Do you like books? Yes, I just hate how bad my speed of reading is.

87. Do you want to get married? ...Uh..Yes... =(

88. To whom? Someone who can accept me and understand me for who i am.

Also, tolerant to obssesive compulsive disorder and terrible paranoia.

----

Toodledoo~ Maid's threatening to complain to mum.

2008-03-24T13:20:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i am absolutely addicted to this video.

i'm not okay backwards :D it sounds so nice!!!

chorus: OH! I'M NOT OKAYYYYYYYYYYYY OOOOOAUUUU I'M NOT OKAYAYAYAAAYYY *other inaudible stuff that sounds german*

and i don't mean to whine, but life pretty much sucks now.

but then again, when has it ever been pretty?

meh.

taking a hiatus till maybe after mid year.

2008-03-16T16:16:00.000+08:00

You Are Fruit Flavored Gum

You are quirky and independent. You don't tend to follow any one style or rule book.

You are a mix and match type of person, and you draw inspiration from many sources.

While you're definitely a bit unusual, you get along well with other people.

You're eager to welcome anyone into your world. You are not judgmental at all.

You form close bonds with your friends, and your relationships tend to be very secure.

You hold firm to your beliefs and values, and you don't let anyone talk you into compromising them.

What Flavor Gum Are You?

o.o

You Are Ginger

Like ginger, you are a total shape shifter.

You can be sweet, spicy, mellow, or overpowering.

You are both soothing and unique. You are popular... yet you are often overlooked.

What Spice Are You?

ahaha. riiiiiight.

blogging when i have the time. got loads of stuff to say.

toodles~

2008-03-12T12:32:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAHA.

I WAS JUST READING ATIQAH'S BLOG AND DECIDED TO TRY THIS OUT MYSELF.

What Nadiah Ameerah Binte Khairul Means

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.

You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.

People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.

You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.

You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.

You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.

Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.

And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.

You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

i think most of the things here are bull EXCEPT for this one VERY, VERY, VERY, accurate paragraph. Minus off the last sentence of it.

'You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.'

my troubles are not fun, dude (:

2008-03-12T12:21:00.000+08:00

i have this baaaaadd feeling that camp's going to be horrible.

mainly because all of us are so ill-prepared.

-_-.

i haven't even finished packing my bags. hahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHhahahahhaah

-________________________________________________-.

anyway.

i love danny.

i mean it!

and this one too.

HAHAHAHHA.

and me, being well, ME, i added some appropriate things to his pictures ;D

courtesy of the hungry ghost XDDD (atifa and aishah you two know what i'm talking about)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DANNYYYYY. I'D DO ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU COME BACK.

and just a few hours ago, this thought crossed my mind:

I AM MOSTLY ATTRACTED TO BUTCHES/ MASCULINE GIRLS AND GAYS/PRETTY BOYS.

it's vaguely disturbing.

2008-03-11T14:11:00.000+08:00

i have a few problems.

1) annual camp/camp preparations are going to take up four days. I'm not even one-third through my homework, and not to mention studying.

2) I have a piano theory exam this saturday. o_o

3)My parents don't trust me or anything i do, and they think CCAs taking up a lot of time is my fault.

4) Everyone thinks i'm a retard and i have to prove them wrong.

5) I want to do well for the MYEs, but i can't really catch up because of (1) and a little bit of (2)

6) I cut my hair at the wrong time. (I'm supposed to scare my juniors during the night walk at the library, hehaheha. Now the only thing i can use is my laughter because my hair's short. -_- Better get Syahirah to tell me some lame jokes at night.)

7)I'M STILL IN PAIN AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I MUST BE SO DEPRESSED. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE WEATHER OR IS IT ME OR IS IT THAT THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL MY FEELINGS ANYMORE, OR IF I EVEN HAD CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE. I HATE TO FEEL. IT ONLY MAKES ME A WORSE PERSON.

...

7) I haven't packed for camp.

8) I haven't done some things i'm supposed to do for camp.

9) I'm in charge of the souvenirs and i feel like a terrible leader.

10) I'm going to be in charge of bringing my group around the katong area, and the best part is that i don't even know the route and if i get lost, my whole group gets lost. (-___-)??

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

11) HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO MY 2646461144164 TONS OF HOMEWORK???

12) Aishah, i think it's quite impossible to stay up at night during the camp to do homework. It's not realistic. It's just not bloody realistic.

13) why.

14) huh?

15) Meh

16) (I'm entertaining myself)

17) hahahahha

18) You suck.

19)OH MY GOD. HOW COULD I FORGET TO TELL YOU THIS PROBLEM.

DANNY NORIEGA IS OUT. DANNY NORIEGA IS FUCKING OUT OF AMERICAN IDOL.

like.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?????

WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, AMERICA??

I MEAN, HE MAY NOT HAVE THE BEST VOCALS IN THE WORLD, BUT AT LEAST HE COMES IN A WHOLE BLOODY PACKAGE!!!!

HE'S GORGEOUS, HE'S CUTE, HE'S. HE'S DANNY!!!!

WHY ARE YOU ALL SO CRUEL??

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD??

WHY?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

why am i using big letters.

now that's better.

you suck maaannn.

you all suuuuckkk.

(i'm feeling angst, jealousy, love, hate, hyperness, sadness and confusion right now.)

YOU SUCK.

2008-03-10T14:44:00.000+08:00

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i hate it when i get depressed. it catches me off guard. it dominates my rational thinking.

and the best part is, sometimes i don't even know why.

2008-03-07T13:09:00.000+08:00

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has been stuck in my head for an extremely long time, and i think i know why now.

2008-03-07T11:49:00.000+08:00

so five minutes ago i had this HUGE craving for kinder bueno, but my maid was being difficult and not letting me go to the shop to buy some and made me call my mother to ask if i could go to the shop and i wore a black jacket before i came downstairs because in case my mother DID let me go to the shop, i'd have to cross *that* path where this dude stalked me the other day and i want to look as unnoticeable (and if possible, even androgynous XD) as possible but when i called my mother she said no, i could not go to the shop because there is some ferrero rocher on my dad's table and i could only take two, so i went upstairs but my craving was so bad so i took five and now i'm kinda pissed because WHAT IS THE HARM IN LETTING ME GO TO THE SHOP (with me wearing a black jacket that has a hood which can hide my identity) AND GETTING KINDER BUENO.

):

and we're running out of condensed milkkkkkkk. i need sweet milooooooooooooooo.

)':

boo you.

---

ANYWAY.

i wonder what gender his *crush* is XD

'cute little tomato'. RAWR.

and he looks like a sexy girl too, which makes him somehow very much more... attractive.. o_O

~~androgyny is really beginning to get to me~~

and haha, check out how bimbo he is to simon towards the end XD (i have a feeling simon is attracted to him and vice versa)

--

ahhhh. i don't know why these past few days have been filled with melancholy for me. i don't know if it's the weather, the results, or all the...happenings of my life.

or maybe all three.

and the march holidays won't be holidays because i'll have to spend three days in school for camp and i have a piano theory exam and i can't catch up with anything and life is just so confusing sometimes

):

i'm sick of being a disappointment. it really meddles with your mental and emotional health.

one more time (save for maybe when i get back my term 1 results) i hear my mother sighing when she looks at me and giving me the hopeless look, or starts giving me long, looong lectures about how disappointing i am, i'll just die.

no more. i've had enough.

2008-03-05T12:37:00.000+08:00

argh.

just had another one of those 'what are you going to do with your life now since you're so fucked up' talks with my mum.

i'm so sick of them. i hate it when people are disappointed in you. it just makes you feel so.. inadequate.

i think there's a limit to the number of times you can break hearts, especially your own.

i'm going to work hard from now on.

2008-03-03T14:32:00.000+08:00

~~WHY AM I HURTING SO MUCH~~ yesterday was a happy day.

^_^

got to do CIP in the library with aishah and maryam. some funny shit happened.

i'd like to say more but my mom is bugging me to get off.

g'bye.

2008-02-29T13:28:00.000+08:00

uh.

i think i just subconsciously bore more grudges.

which is why i'm feeling really angry now for no reason.

some people are just brutal with their words.

and i'm taking revenge on mofos who think i'm retarded. i'm not, damn it. i'll prove it to you one day. MARK MY WORDS.

...bye.

2008-02-29T12:17:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHA NADIAH NORIEGA IS A RAD NAME

*sticks out tongue at aishah and tips*

XD

(mostly ripped from tips' blog... sorry tips)

i swear to God if i were there i'd squeal, jump on stage and hug that stupid guy.

my favouriteeeeesttttt part:

hehehehehehhehehe

AND HAHAH CHECK THIS ONE OUT!

WATCH HIM MAKING FUNNY (GAY) NOISES IN THE LAST PART

DANNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. noriega.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

i wish i was his friend, i'd go shopping with him anytime.

then we can buy clothes and comment how they look on each other.

"tsk, danny, that colour's like, so GAAAAY."

*raises an eyebrow* "But like, i'm like, already gay."

"hmm? i thought you were bi."

"yeahhhh. but now i like a dude.he's like, so hooot and like, gorgeousssss. real macho y'know, six pack and all"

"WHO WHO? TELL ME :D"

*points to a poster with Jonathon Reys Meyers on it and grins*

"OMG JONATHON REYS MEYERS!!! I LOVE HIM TOO!"

*bounces around with danny noriega and squeals in the shopping center till people look at us*

HAHAHAHAHHAA WOW I'M SO GOOD AT DAY(evening actually)DREAMING

hehehehehehhe.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR i'm looking for this video nadia lamri took of me and some friends in sec 2 on youtube, but i can't find it. )=

it never fails to crack me up.

I LOVE SEC 2. best year of my life.

k, that was random.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYY NNNNNOOOORRRRIIIIEEEEEEEGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

nadeeya noriega :D

2008-02-25T07:10:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

well, i can't say what made me say that because it's a surprise ^_^ (-_-)

but just know this: DO NOT GET SHOCKED WHEN YOU SEE ME TOMORROW.

thassall i'm saying, goodbye now.

2008-02-24T13:32:00.000+08:00

You're a Part Time Brainiac

No doubt about it, you have the potential for big brain power.
But potential doesn't get you to genius. It's going to take some work.

Like most smart people, you enjoy a good intellectual challenge every now and then.
But you do tend to shy away from anything difficult, frustrating, or complex.

Push yourself to think, learn, and explore more... even when it feels bad.
You have the capacity to solve amazingly difficult problems. You just need to let yourself do it.

Are You a Brainiac?

a big fat LOL to the last two sentences.

and, a big fat FUCK YOU to all you snotty 'my-standard-of-english-is-extremely-high-and-i'll- put-it-up-publicly-to-show-everyone-because-whoever-uses-singlish-isn't-intelligent' people.

2008-02-24T08:05:00.000+08:00

well, amaths was shit. i'm failing almost everything this term, and it doesn't help when more problems come along. -_-

you know what's shocking? i sit at the back, and i have this friend who sits at the front and she realises that i'm depressed.

i'm not the type who scrutinizes everybody's faces to read their emotions, and i doubt my friend is that type too.

so, i have only one theory for all this: i am a fucking open book.

which is true, because i let myself go so much with somebody.

and i'm not surprised if my other friends hate me too ( i hope they don't and i have a feeling they don't) because i've been treating them like a spare tire when i'm with you.

so basically, it's my fault for having terrible self-control.

i've been depressed for the whole of this week until only yesterday, when i... was a bit more sober. but that doesn't mean i don't feel anymore pain.

i just hope i get my fucking act together. i cannot go around like this any longer.

2008-02-20T12:22:00.000+08:00

i feel numb.

or more specifically, like i'm in a drug rehabilitation center.

like the drugs i've been taking have been snatched away suddenly and i'm forced into rehab.

like the happiness and hyperness the drugs gave you before have all worn off, and the destructive effects are kicking in.

and that's not all, because being sent to rehab means terrible withdrawal symptoms.

i also feel like the sun in my skies has been replaced by huge storm clouds. it's all grey. the waves are crashing down on the empty beach.

i cannot believe i'm saying this, but i feel exactly like bella in new moon.

The only minor difference is that her love was requited and mine isn't.

diyana isn't exaggerating. one day i feel all this and it's enough to make me go into a coma. diyana has been having it for two whole years.

i can't believe all the poppy and sappy songs i've been listening to on repeat ever since.

i just can't believe that all this is happening to me.

and please don't mind me being bitchy or different for the next few days.

i mean, it's not everyday that your heart gets ripped into shreds.

2008-02-17T13:17:00.000+08:00

i love the first part of this video. so selambe. hahaha.

---

so, i'm sec four now.

that means i'm a senior of NPCC.

that means the rest of my squadmates and i get the NPCC room to ourselves and leave our stuff lying around.

that means, we can treat the room like our own.

which means, changing in the room.

if you ask me, changing clothes in front of people requires an enormous amount of self-esteem, which is why i do so in the toilet.

but for convenience's sake, some people just do it there in the NPCC room.

and me, being well, ME, i just can't help but stare.

now you all must think i'm a perverted lesbian who goes around staring at girls changing clothes, but no.

i'm not extremely straight, but i'm still pretty much straight.

and i don't ogle,i admire.

there's a difference you know.

it's just that their bodies are so freakin' HAWT.

they've all got flat tummies, something i only dream of having or only get the illusion of having when i haven't eaten much.

they've got boobs :O

and they've got pretty nice legs.

oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

i want!!!

i didn't even realise i was staring yesterday after NPCC, until farzean smiled at me. then i was like," oops, sorreh."

BUT IT'S SO. PURDY. not trying to be a shallow bastard, but beauty does amaze you. especially seeing it coming from their bodies.

rawwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh.

i want it so badly. if i ever become slim, i'd actually feel normal. i'd be able to go into any clothes store and get anything in a size S, or M maximum, and look freaking good in it.

and i've just been thinking again, and this time i've been thinking about how being slim can do wonders to your self-confidence. it's not shallow, i feel. it's just a harsh fact of life.

i know of some overweight people who are happy, but i just can't be like that. i don't know why.

i don't know if it's because i feel so self-conscious whenever i go out of the house.

i don't know if it's because my brothers constantly call me names.

i don't know if it's because of my mother always telling me that i'll look better if i 'just lose 20kg'.

and it doesn't help that i'm starting to get my appetite back. it's still like a mad dog barking furiously because it's being tied to a leash, but the leash is loosening.

still, i'm quite amazed at how my appetite has reduced. i remember earlier this week i think,when i ate one whole plate of rice for recess and felt nauseated after that.

but, arghhh. prom's this year. i can't go looking like this! and i remember distinctly in primary 6, another hectic exam year, when i sacrificed how i looked (bingeing on chocolates a LOT) for my studies.

in the end i looked like my ez-link card photo. *shudders at thought of ez-link picture, and frowns at the fact that a bus driver who saw a sticker on it asked me to take it off*

i just need...balance i guess. work and play, eating excessively and moderately.

in the end, my whole life boils down to self-control, which... sucks.

if only i had listened to my mother telling me that i 'will regret it later on in life' when i was eating like nobody's business when i was young.

if only i had controlled myself since last time. i wouldn't be in this rut now.

still, i can hope for change.

------

OOOH! I FOUND ONE PICTURE WHERE I DON'T LOOK LIKE A DUDE. =D=D=D

but i think it's just the flowers. -_-

2008-02-17T01:11:00.000+08:00

V day was such a happy day :D

and i got the coolest things from people.

check it out

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.